My self am centre of my circling thought,
Only my self I study, learn, and know.
- John Davies
Our bright mornings have lasted for a century here. It does not seem that the world knows what clouds or rain are at the moment. If you know me, you know that I love cloudy, grey days that are moody, interesting, and provoke weather. Clear blue days seem rather dull to me. Nothing interesting jumps out to inspire. I know, I know. I am the oddest person alive.
When we are closed in with our own self, we are sort of forced into dealing with ones own thoughts. You can try to deny them, try to distract from them, but eventfully you must face them. Those thoughts are latched in your brain, and nobody else knows it, but you do. They need your attention, they need to be attended to. Or, at least approached.
Now may be a time, as we are all in lock-down, or semi-lock-down across the globe, we all are isolated and now have the task of looking within ourselves. What do with do with this?
We are stuck at home, with no place to go (no place we should go, except the grocery when needed). To those who cannot stay home (those workers in the medical, health, emergency, banking, grocery, etc areas), you are the heroes of this story. Fear of the unknown is palpable. And yet warnings are sometimes discarded by some who choose to ignore the government leaders telling us to stay home. We should listen to our leaders and abide. For the good of all the people.
Whilst at home, you are left to investigate your circling thoughts. John Davies was a younger contemporary of William Shakespeare, and his words ring true. We are the centre of our own thoughts, and we are the only one who can study our own thoughts. We wrestle with it all. Particularly now, as so many questions hang in the air. How long will this last? How many will die? What will life be like when the virus passes?
What about now? What can you do now, even in isolation?
I started making a list for myself (this is aside from working at home) to remind me of all the things I can do. It may be small (I do not feel like I can handle anything very large at the moment), but there are many things on my list.
What do we do with our circling thoughts?
That is what matters.
If the world were not topsy turvy right now I would be in London, Oxford, and out in the Cotswolds where the fresh air and rolling hills would be filling my soul. Since I cannot be there right now, I am appreciating my past trips and feeling ever-thankful of those lovely times by embarking on some imaginary holiday excursions.
As Tolkien wrote regarding escapism that we sometimes feel we need:
Why should a man be scorned if, finding himself in prison, he tries to get out and go home? Or if, when he cannot do so, he thinks and talks about other topics than jailers and prison-walls? The world outside has not become less real because the prisoner cannot see it.
It is good to appreciate what we have been given. Our hearts and souls particularly need that now in these troubled and dangerous times. It is a danger different from what we are used to. We do not normally think about catching a virus (other than maybe a cold) as a danger of travel. We do not think about how our lives affect the lives of others around us. But now we do. We are staying home to protect ourselves as well as others. It is the right thing to do. We love others by doing it.
Our minds are awakened to new things in this isolated time. Our attention is draw to the strangeness we are now encountering. What can we do with it? That is something I have been pondering in between my daydreams of being in England, and hope to share on here in these coming days/weeks.
I reflect on my love of travel and the places I have been able to experience in a new light of appreciation, a little deeper than what I have always appreciated. Our free ability to travel to almost anywhere, if we just buy the ticket, is usually at our fingertips. Since now we are restricted in any free travel, I feel that wall around me keenly, holding me still. I feel it personally since it affected my planned trip, completely cancelling it with no choice on my part, only about a week before I was set to leave.
My heart floods with love for these places I am missing right now. I see current photos on Instagram from people who live there, of the empty streets and closed shops, and I both miss it immensely, and am grateful to see that people are stay home and heeding the new rules in force. Also in these current photos I see, I notice that nature is not shutting down. It is bursting into Spring in all the lovely ways. It reminds me that even in the darkest of times, especially when all seems uncertain, there is always light to look for. There is always beauty to be seen and appreciated. And the glory of God is always present. That should bring us hope.
Hop over to Instagram to see more of my posts if you are interested as I stay sane by taking my imaginary holiday to England. Look for me @muddymusings
The hopeless gate that holds in all the fears
That haunt your shadowed city, fling it wide
And open to the light that finds, and fares.
(Malcolm Guite)
My introverted self is getting all the alone, quiet vibes I never asked for these days. How are you doing if you are more extroverted? Aside from missing my trip to England (and feeling my heart yearn for it deeply every day), I am in another happy place. At home. In my peaceful, calm home and state of mind. I am working on some writing (if you would like the story of Selador to continue, I can tell you assuredly that it does), which I usually never have enough time for and now I actually have a little time for.
I am now working from home as well, so I am in full self-isolation mode. Aside from supporting some of my favourite local restaurants/cafes by getting takeaway once in a while and going to the grocery only when needed, I am doing what we are all told to do, by staying home.
With my home now becoming my work and my personal space, I am working on being aware of keeping the work life separate somehow without a desk or extra room to call my office. My kitchen table is my office. I do not overlook the fact that I am extremely blessed to be able to work from home and to continue to work, helping clients navigate this uncertain time. It is a season, and it will not last forever, but for the time being, I am sure it seems like it will never end.
Be encouraged. We are none of us alone in this strange state of isolation. There are those who have to be out there (doctors, nurses, bankers, postal workers, garbage workers, police,etc). Take comfort in that we all feel the same way - disturbed, lonely, emotional, sad, stressed, confused, isolated, etc.
Whilst we live in a time of unanswered questions, we always have one assurance that we can hold onto and never be disappointed in. Jesus goes with us through every emotion we feel, every sorrow we endure, and every sadness we linger in. Jesus promises that He will never leave us, even in the darkest times He is beside us. He is the Light we can fix our eyes of the heart on. I pray that you stay encouraged and focused on the good.
But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.
(Jeremiah 17:7-8)
It is kind of funny how a few posts ago I wrote about how we are so busy in life, unable to truly slow down to listen and meditate in quiet. Now, in the midst of Lent we have all been forced to slow down and stay at home. Maybe this is a new thing we are all meant to embrace. Maybe we are supposed to pay attention to that and do something meaningful with it. What could that be?
The roots of old trees
The cool Spring breeze -
God's presence in your breath.
Sing a line, dear Mr. Raven
Be gentle, for me, a haven -
Calling lines that sing -
A grace of life, is death.
If falling asleep is life,
And the constant, daily strife
Is the choice we grasp in hand,
Then truly waking is to live,
But only if we can give
Away our clutching hand -
To freely stand.
This little poem came out of the morning air, in a few minutes of quiet reflection over coffee one day recently. As the world turns topsy turvy, these words came like a refreshing rain. I opened my journal and it flowed right out like a gentle stream in the mountains.
Unless you have read Lilith, by George MacDonald, you would not catch all the references made to his twisted and strange tale that is one of my favourite books. The ideas and character struggles through the story help me grasp life with a new sense of imagination. The wisdom of Mr. Raven, sleeping to wake up to real life (from death to life), clasping in hand that which you cannot let go of, these are themes of the story that cause the reader to ponder the choices of life - to let go or cling to. We and only we, are able to freely let go and thus freely stand. We have to choose good and let it sweep over us in a sleep that leads to an unknown remembered gate.
We are free to choose, but often in our freedom we choose to become dependent and enslaved to something.
"What right have you to treat me so, Mr. Raven?" I said with deep offence. "Am I, or am I not, a free agent?"
"A man is as free as he chooses to make himself, never an atom freer," answered the raven.
"You have no right to make me do things against my will!"
"When you have a will, you will find that no one can."
"You wrong me in the very essence of my individuality!" I persisted.
"If you were an individual I could not, therefore now I do not. You are but beginning to become an individual."
Each time I remember this, I become awakened again to ask myself if I am holding onto anything that I need to truly let go of. It is something we must address regularly, as we tend to collect things to hold onto if various ways. In Lilith, the character Lilith is clasping onto something tightly, she literally has it in her hand, gripping so that no one can see what it is, and she cannot let it go. She realizes that she cannot move on without letting that "thing" go. She is not able to open her hand as the wound she holds onto is too deep, but only when she chooses and asks that her hand be cut off that she is free and able to sleep.
A choice must be made, every now and then, to clean out the clutter, or we run the risk of being ruled by such things. We may not notice how we cling to bitterness about a situation, or a person. We may silently begrudge someone or something in our subconscious because we have not given it away. To be free of such negative allotments in our minds and hearts is to be made more fully into who God made us to be. You and I cannot be more deeply who we are meant to be if there are pieces taking up space that do not belong there.
Our recent days have become darkened with fear and dread. How are you doing with it all? Closures, chaos, and cancellations have been ruling our days, and probably disrupting our sleep as well. I had to face the facts of the situation, prompted by the travel bans in place, and cancel my trip to England that was supposed to take place tomorrow. It crushes me to cancel such a well-thought, planned, and essential holiday. My annual venture to England (and other excursions I include) have become food for my soul, a time away to adventure in my favourite places, with time to reflect, write, and soak in the inspiration to foster my imagination. My heart has felt quite downcast (every cancellation email/call sent felt like another blow).
It is a topsy turvy world we are in. It feels like a surreal dream that will not end. I cannot seem to wake up from this bad dream. The darkness closes in. The fear is out there affecting the psyche of everyone. People hoard toilet paper, hand sanitizer, and frozen food. Fears of a two+ week quarantine cause people to lose all common sense. I am quite baffled by it. Sure, grab an extra pack of something, not 10.
In times like these I seek the calm. The quiet retreat from it all. Everything in the world (stores, the media) counters that calm with chaos so a conscious effort must be made to seek the quiet and peace of God. The coffee shop is a good alternative (at least this weekend it was - now most restaurants are not encouraging sit-in, but only take away), a place of relative quiet, apart from the regular buzz of people and music. It all seems normal coming in and sipping on an oat milk latte. I take out my journal and reflect. As I wrote, this verse suddenly came into my mind.
What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.
Ecclesiastes 1:9
This isn't a new problem. Illness spreading across land and sea. In history, it has looked different each time, but never so much as today with social media spreading news in an instant. But not just news, false rumors and tweets that inflict panic to the masses. Today, it all seems so dramatic and fear-driven. People feed on the news, watching it constantly on their phones for any tiny new update throughout the day, which the news will gladly give them as they tune in every few minutes.
Just 10 years ago news was slower moving, available at regular times on the television, radio, or by newspaper. Of course by word of mouth (phone or in person). It raises a questions in me - is it better to know instantly and raise fears in everyone to act in ways that are irrational? Will this precautionary measure are being taken to close churches, schools, libraries, cafes, events, etc solve the crisis?
History may not repeat, but it goes round and round, revolving into similar patterns.
Whilst I can barely think about the loss of my trip to England without my heart breaking a little more, I do recognize that it is totally out of my control and it is the nature of bad timing. It is the world we live in - things are not always going to be fair or safe. There is always danger around corners. We constantly have to be aware of what is lurking in the shadows is that "thing" that could steal our joy or ruin our plans.
Can we turn it into a comedy? Can we set it in a paradox?
I turn to my favourites like G.K. Chesterton here, for that wisdom which can turn a bad, desperate situation into comedy and paradoxical lesson learned, about the ultimate grace and overarching love of God. I recommend reading The Man Who Was Thursday. I wrote a post years ago on that, HERE.
When all seems dark, a sudden light appears to remind us of the good. We have to be willing to look. It can turn a situation, not by our own works but by the prevenient grace that goes before us. I borrow such reminders from Tolkien here, and his use of eucatastrophe (good catastrophe) and light appearing in the darkest places. The Lord of the Rings is the obvious example of that.
These stories and authors (I would add C.S Lewis, George MacDonald, Charles Williams, Elizabeth Goudge, and Dorothy L Sayers) have ways of looking at the world that help me here. They all point toward the ultimate love of God, which over arches everything, even if we cannot see it. When all other lights go out, the Light, that is Christ, is ever-glowing.
Stay well and safe, friends.
Even the darkness is not dark to You.
Psalm 139.12
The yard is growing greener and more over-grown as the shifting tide of seasons comes with the March days. The trees and plants would run wild if they were not tamed by trimming. The persistence of nature is astounding, even in the smallest of ways. The trees are so visible with fresh blooms and branches, and on windy days, they produce the sounds we acknowledge as wind, for we otherwise cannot see the wind. Is it breath? Is it spirit? Alas, it is both. The trees grow and surpass all obstacles to continue onward and upwards, and yet, they are not thinking, walking, talking beings, unless they are Ents of course (but we can talk about Tolkien's world later). We do not have too many Ents around here, as the imagination does not place them in tropical places. Our woods are not as old or mysterious.
But I can still imagine.
The Orchid tree is in full bloom outside my window. Pink blossoms are wide open, attracting the bees. The sun blazes onto them most days and the rest of the greenery that fills the yard. I like my view from up in the tree house.
The sunlight sparkles into my kitchen. A warmer day has come. On days like today, I wish the sun were not so vibrant. It brings heat through the windows with intensity. What if we could turn down the volume of the sun? I suppose that would not be welcome for the northern places who would like to bask in the sunlight on cold days, but here we have it in plenty.
Which makes me think wider and bigger. Our place in the solar system is so perfect, nobody but God could have arranged everything "just so" so that we could live. I wonder, did God create the universe and planets, and see the earth as a perfect spot for creating humans who were so dependent on the elements designed to sustain them? Could there be other planets somewhere with creations living, but unfallen? What if there is a green lady on a planet out there in another galaxy? Perelandra raises such questions and brings us face to face with that possibility within our own solar system, and it is forever a favourite tale of C.S. Lewis's.
God gives us a vast universe to figure out. Bit by bit we make discoveries on our planet and beyond it. One unassuming day, something new will be found to befuddle us all. That happens fairly often, actually, as with the dimming of the star, Betelgeuse. I am fascinated by it. It is a mystery of God that we have just cracked open to peak inside.
All this micro and macro thinking brings me out of myself, away from my tiny struggles, to see the massively big picture, alongside the intricacy of the tiny. I am part of the tiny, and I still get to talk to God, who sees the whole universe all at once, outside of time. Our Creator, who made all the galaxies and stars we have studied and haven't even discovered yet, wants to draw me closer (what a wonder!). And I sometimes resist like a typical human who gets so distracted with the self. But in mysterious moments such as these, I am drawn in close.
Silence is true wisdom's best reply.
- Euripides
I have been making a study of busyness and how that looks in our lives. Particularly as we have now entered the 40 days of Lent, looking at what it means to "be still and know that God is God." These 40 days are supposed to be a time of slowing down to spend more time in quiet, prayer, and abstaining from something so that we are more centered in our souls.
When it comes to living busy lives, we are all experts, and I don't mean that as a compliment. We have all grown accustomed to keeping that busyness as a constant every week. Whenever we get a reprieve from the hectic nature for some quiet days we have a hard time transitioning from one extreme to the other. We are used to the fast-paced hours that when we actually slow down or come to a break, we feel out of sorts, like something is missing because we don't know how to slow down.
What an awkward way we live life. Instead of embracing balance, we cram so much into our lives we become perpetually unbalanced, which becomes the new "norm". We henceforth forget what slowness, resting, thinking, and musing is. It takes huge leaps to make our way back to a place of stillness from that skewed norm, and that is not an easy task.
I have found that it doesn't work to take one escape or event to restore such a calm state that I may venture into readily, but a daily practice is needed. In the schedule of hours, I would claim that we need to allow time for stillness/rest/solitude on a daily basis, just like we do for sleep.
It is only if we see it as important to our everyday that we will actually do it, and find great benefit from it. If we leave stillness on the sidelines, with a leftover if-I-have-time-to-do-it mentality, it will never happen. There is always something in your time that will grab your attention away from slowing down to be quiet and still.
I have observed that our bodies and souls have trouble entering a state of slow and still to experience truly reflective times. In a culture that values "success", ambition, and more of everything there seems to be little room for the times that actually restore us, which may be seen as wasting time. Paradoxically, that may be the most valuable time of all.
How many people in our society experience burn-out? Study those people, or look back at yourself if it was you. Were there regular times carved out for being restful, quiet, and reflective? There is something here to pay attention to. We were made with the ability to do amazing things. To think, create, and produce. But not non-stop. Built into our human nature is the need for rest (and sleep!). If we think we can do it all and forego the restorative time, we are self-deceived. But not just rest, I would also add solitude/reflection/meditation.
I will be the first to admit my need for quiet time. I crave it. I know many people do not, as it makes them uncomfortable to be in a quiet place. It is productive time, however much it may look like it is not productive in a worldly sense. But are we building up treasures on earth, or in the heavenly realm? Is what we are doing with our time creating more from an eternal perspective, or a worldly?
The world will try to steal away our quiet time to make it busy and cluttered. The heavenly realm will try to restore us to make us wholly who we were meant to be, by being less dependent on the world. May our choices with our time reach ever more toward the latter.
