You Are Valued

I think sometimes I forget the value that I have with God. I focus too much on how I think other people value me, when that truly should not matter to me. (But it does-  it is something I need to let go of) No matter how faulty I am, my Lord has paid the ultimate price for me...

because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you.
- Isaiah 43.4

Like the nation of Israel, we all falter and turn to earthly things as fulfillment rather than to God, but He still loves us. Doesn't He ever tire of our lack of consistency? We are guilty of turning our back on our Savior and closest friend. How must God feel when He sees us turn away from Him, after all the love and kindness He has bestowed upon us?

We are all of us selfish. Too consumed with ourselves. We neglect to see that which has been with us all along, in front of our faces. The love and kindness which patiently waits. We don't need to seek the approval of others. We already have God's love. And His reminders are all around us.

God is the one who is never changing.
We are the ones who change.Therefore, we are the ones who need to change back.

Mail from Oxford

So.... last week, amidst all the craziness that was last week, I received a piece of mail that caused me to smile immediately. When the return address is stamped Great Britain, specifically Oxford, I just grow excited automatically. I knew what it was before I opened it. It was simply the official notice of the credits I earned in my Literature class on the Brontës this term. But as simple as it was, it meant so much more than just a slip of paper.

I earned credit hours from the University of Oxford, meaning, I took a class and passed it, and have real credits! It's not just fake. To use a horrid slang American phrase- it's for real! And it just shows me that I can do it....at least a little class like this. How much does it make me ache to go back to Oxford and spend a good deal of time? So much.

Most importantly, I am overflowing with thankfulness that I could even do such a thing as study from afar. Or that I have been to Oxford twice already. I do not look past the fact that there are true blessings from God that I cannot even explain, but are endowed upon me without deserving. These are such examples.

New as the Sun Rises

Today is a new day! A day to embrace and enjoy because God has allowed this new day. The past is over. The history of yesterday is done. Look ahead and in this very moment.

There are no worries about what is past, for God makes all things new as the sun rises, so rises my spirit to behold the beauty of this day, made by my Lord.

Behold, the former things
have come to pass
and new things I now
declare; before they
spring forth I tell you
of them.
- Isaiah 42.9

My past days lately have been crazy, to say the least. So full of activity, tasks to handle, disappointments to endure, and joys to behold. My life is all over the place! But isn't that the norm?
In spite of all that, or perhaps because of all that is going on, I am thankful. Thankful because each day is a gift, no matter what it contains.

Moving Weekend

What did you do over your long weekend?
I moved!
Here is just a little sneak peak at my new place. I have organizing to do, but I am pretty well unpacked.

It was a busy weekend for me, and I am so glad the moving part is over. I hired movers for my apartment move because I have an abundance of books and a piano. So, I will leave that kind of serious moving to the professionals. I was very nervous about my piano, as the three guys had major difficulty in getting it downstairs. They carried it down, and I have no idea how they did it. Really, they are amazing. I am thankful to report that my piano made it downstairs and upstairs into my new place. And it sounds great resonating off the wood floors, although, I know it needs to be tuned.

I love my new place. It is so cozy and full of charm, and I have some pretty awesome neighbors. My friend Emily is next door, and my landlord lives in the house in front of my little home, and he has been here hanging all my curtains and some other items today.

Stay tuned for some more photographs....

Salad Days

He ate and drank the precious words
His spirit grew robust;
He knew no more that he was poor,
Not that his frame was dust.
He danced along the dingy days,
And this bequest of wings
Was but a book. What liberty
A loosened spirit brings!

- Emily Dickinson

I just love discovering new words (or phrases) that are quirky and interesting. I have the condition scriblomania, as Charlotte Brontë calls it in her journals, or the compulsion to write, and in that need, I want to incorporate new words that I discover from the past. Oh, I can't help myself. This passage stopped me as I flipped through my Oxford Book of English Usage.

What are you doing in your salad days? The wit of the entry made me laugh, and also made me ponder its description and comical ending that it is a phrase more suited for a parrot rather than a person. Thanks, Shakespeare, for the phrase.

Alas, it made me think: if these are my salad days, raw and highly flavoured, how am I making the most of each day? How am I ensuring that my days do not wilt? I still feel like I am a youth in my raw days because I have so much to learn. So many adventures to go on. So many experiences to be a part of. It is only the beginning. Ah, yes. I shall enjoy my salad days.

Release

Though in this, the dark
and the gray,
only by choice is it
where I stay.
Losing the grip I thought
I had,
slipping on failure, dripping
into sad.
A complicated matter
retreats into me,
holding me captive, until a
release sets me free

The world is full of a little bit of darkness and a little bit of light. Stories should contain doses of both to reach  the depths of our souls. We are not just people leading shallow lives of sugary happiness. There are deep places in need of being reached.

The world isn't the only thing that is broken, but our hearts are broken as well. Stories, whether real or imagined, with true pain and sadness causes us to look inwardly at our own brokenness and then at the light that is in God, which is able to break into our dark places.

Packing

Yep. I am getting there....
Almost finished!
My bookshelves have never looked so bare. These are all the books I have left to pack!
This week (and last week) I have been trying to remember all the things I need to remember in order to move. All the packing and all the address changes and such. It is kind of boggling my brain. It's been almost four years since I last moved, so it's not fresh in my memory.

There is something so exciting, to me, about moving. The fresh start of a new place and the ability to decorate in many new ways! My style has changed since I moved four years ago, so I get to implement all the things I like the most to make my new place cozy.

My landlord sent me a photo of my newly finished pine wood floors that he varnished all weekend. They look glossy and brand new! Amazing. Can't wait to be in and organized!

Gatsby

The Great Gatsby.
I haven't seen the movie, yet. Have you?

Many call this novel, by F.Scott Fitzgerald, the greatest American novel. At least, that is what I keep hearing. I would not call it that. I just finished reading it again, and it was definitely worth the read, but it is not the greatest American novel.
I read it in high school, as you probably did. But I definitely did not appreciate the elegant storytelling that Fitzgerald displays in this book. It is a short novel, so it only took me a few days to read it, which may also be partially why it is a popular novel. The ease of reading it is an attraction.

To me, there is a certain lost-ness to the novel and its characters. Some of the descriptions are beautifully written but the book makes me sad, mainly because there is no moral compass to the characters and I don't find myself truly caring for them. They live selfish, rich lives where the world revolves around them. Which, of course, leads to the story's issues and tragedy. But it is also a good example of 1920's wealth and wayward living in America.

It is worth reading. Not sure if the movie is worth seeing. I will have to gather some opinions about that. It is kind of like a 1920's version of a Greek tragedy. You just know something is going to happen, you just aren't sure what.

Wedding Weekend

My little brother got married this weekend! Good times were had by all and everything went smoothly.
When I got into town Friday, I was put to work folding napkins for the reception. Since the reception was at the beach under a pavilion, the silverware was plastic, but they still wanted it to look fancy!

At the rehearsal, as they practiced giving the rings and how to do that, my brothers (the groomsmen) gave a candy ring pop as a stand-in prop. It was quite funny when the pastor said "ok, next I will ask the best man for the rings...." and Jason immediately presented a ring pop for use. That's what Patience has on her finger in this first photo.

It took an army to get Tyler dressed. Haha. Just kidding. I don't think he usually wears bow ties and vests.

  Mom and Tyler at the reception.

Patience and her Mom right before the ceremony.

My sister-in-law, Samantha and her most adorable baby girl (my niece!), Ellliott.

My three brothers and me, right before the ceremony.

Lots of dancing took place, and everyone had a great time, despite the warm temperature. Gladly as the evening went on it got a bit cooler with a the breeze coming off the gulf water.

I wish for God's richest blessings and joy for Tyler and Patience's future together. <3

Mustard Dress

Wedding weekend ahead.
I am prepping for such an occasion with my mustard-coloured dress which has a little bit of an old fashioned (and vintage) flair with the sharp pleats that run the whole length of the midi-skirt.

My little brother is getting married this weekend, so it will be an occasion to remember. A weekend where we gather to support and celebrate the uniting of two people.
I am hoping for pleasant weather with dry air and a cool temperature. We have been hitting some 90 degree temperatures lately and thick humidity, and I hope for a departure from that (if only for Saturday!)

I pray for this young couple, Tyler and Patience, who will be starting a life together. I am praying that they put God first no matter what, and become deeply rooted in His plans, not their own, because as I already know, our own plans have many flaws. Many times it is pride that gets in the way. We all have it. I would think in a young marriage that would be hard at first. Pride is, as C.S. Lewis wrote, the worst of all sins because all sins can stem from it. So, I pray that they remember:

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with the humble is wisdom. - Proverbs 11.2

I write that for all of us, for it is something I surely need a reminder of. So may we all be reminded, and share in this special celebration for Tyler and Patience. I am glad to be a part of their day.

Breathe In Thanks

Thoughts come rushing toward me
and as I try to dodge them
they hit me straight on without fail.

Memories engrossed in the moment
all too familiar to be made up
so I halt and yield to them.

Wishes of something different
sit on my heart, and yet
somehow His plans still work.

My eyes see the good He gives
which is undeniably His work
and I breathe in thanks all day.

Colour of my Day

Yet I - I could have kissed the very scullery taps. The colour of my day was like a peacock's chest. In at each sense there stole ripplings and dewy sprinkles of delight that with them drew fine threads of memory through the vibrant thickness of the soul.
- C.S. Lewis

Bright and cheerful. Sunshiny. Lively.

I awoke this morning with thoughts in my head. The kind of thoughts I thrive on. Creative. Engaging. Words floating around within the great expanse of my mind. The ability to pinpoint words, corner them, and gather them together into a coherent thought delights me. Then, sentences form and it molds into something I decide to write in my journal.

I love mornings like this. Where my mind wakes up and the wheels start turning as soon as I emerge from the comfortable covers on my bed. Creative and contemplative thoughts grow and I am soon philosophizing as I brew coffee in my french press and make a yogurt parfait for breakfast.

A colourful start to the day for someone who loves words.

Moving Notes

Not everything that is faced can be changed.
But nothing can be changed until it is faced.
-James Baldwin

Among other important errands this weekend (like seeing my baby niece!), I spent the majority of my time packing. And packing. And packing. And sorting. And dusting. And cleaning.

I opened up my piano as I dusted (above) and played a little (gosh it's been a while; I've been so busy). The sound sounded somewhat different when I played with the lid open. It was kind of strange how the same notes played without a filter (aka the cover) changed things. But it made me hear the songs I played in a different way. Change tends to catch us by surprise.

My apartment sounds more hollow, too, from items put away in boxes, wall hangings down, books stacked and packed. I look around and wonder....did I make a good choice? I kept playing and let the music linger in the air.
I know I have made a good choice.
Worries dwell inside me so easily. Why is that?

Thankfully, I am becoming better at immediately recognizing that fault in me, so I stop myself, and give the worry to God, and telling Him to take control (even though He always had that control anyway.) But the acknowledgement is what changes me inside. It puts God first, rather than my own emotions and wants. and it re-focuses me on Him, and cements that trust in His plans for me.

As I finished playing my favourite tune, I already felt at ease. No weight on my shoulders feels pretty good. Jesus takes that weight and all others from me. Thank you, Lord.

Cozy Office Space

I am fortunate in my new job to have my own office to work in. I am one who flourishes when I have my own private space. Perhaps my love of quiet time to read and write is a reason I do so well in that kind of atmosphere. 

But I also like being close in proximity to others and have the ability to gather together with ease. That leads to my new cozy chair in my office. My friend, Liz,  thrifted this chair and a matching couch for $5, and didn't have use/space for the chair, so she gave it to me! Now when my boss or my co-worker come into my office to chat, they can sit in a cozy spot. By the way, the idea to get a cozy chair for my office was my boss's idea. how awesome is that? I am so thankful for this job and for Colin and Jaime. Wonderful people I work with.
I foresee a few breaks here, reading, when I am able to (after all the work is done, of course!).

Before & After

I will be moving in a few weeks into a cool garage 2nd floor apartment, and when I first saw the place, my least favourite room was the kitchen. First, I asked my landlord if I could paint it (that lime green had to go!). He readily agreed. I picked out a colour called atmospheric (gray with a tiny hint of blue) and I primed and painted it over a few weekends, with my landlord putting all the finishing touches on it. I bought new knobs for the cabinets, too.

Then, my creative gears started moving and I envisioned white cabinets. My landlord went along with the idea, and the more he thought about it, the more he saw my vision and grew excited about the clean, contrasting look. This last weekend it was all completed and the cabinets put back together, and it looks amazing. There is still work to be done before I can move in, but the kitchen is a charming spot! I cannot wait to see it all put together!

truth, beauty, and other thoughts....

The truth about beauty cannot be found on the surface. It is not visible in the cloth covering the skin, and it is not found in charm and flattery. It comes from deep where the roots are.The vain kind of beauty traps the emotions of us humans and ensnares falsities that the world wants us to fall into head first.

No desires can be fulfilled in anything that is not wholly centered on God. And delays or misgivings cannot be fully trusted. If there is a hesitation, it is usually with good reason. Compare everything with what you read in Scripture. Do not settle for someone who does not uphold that which is in Scripture, but who knows they fall short every day. None of us is perfect, only Christ is, and He is the perfecter of our faith. So seeking Him in everything should be the focus. Wisdom grows when we seek Him.

Truly we have nothing to fear when we hand over all our circumstantial moments, feelings, worries, scraps of doubt and anything else that falls in between our hours of each day.There is no such thing as being alone. But we take ourselves away from God's presence with our own self-dwelling selfishness, pushing Him away while He continues to open His arms to us.

Full of Dream

His love is all I need. His love is deeper than I can go. He claims me as His own and I am His. It is the best place to be. Though I struggle with trusting immediately when I see things around me that trouble me, and within myself I struggle with certain things, I sometimes fall backward and ask myself: what is wrong with me?

There are many things wrong with me, as there are with you, but God....He makes up for all my short comings. All my trials and errors. He washes my dirt away as I truly seek Him through all my failures.

The one day I try again may be the day when it all comes together. Like a flash I never saw. God already has that in store for me. All I have to do is continue to follow....and listen to God through my prayers, reading, reflecting, and everyday actions.

Sometimes the thing most desired seems to be so far off. And sometimes it is right next to us. ALL the time He is with us.

Like one who's voyaged over foreign oceans
am I among these eternally at home;
the full days stand dumbly on their tables,
but to me the far-off is full of dream.

- "The Solitary" by Rainer Rilke

All My Road: Thoughts on C.S. Lewis' Diary

What do I do on a rare long evening I have at home? I curl up in my favourite wing back chair with the diary of C.S. Lewis. Isn't that what you do?
I am thoroughly enjoying reading C.S. Lewis' diary starting from 1922. It is not only interesting because it is his early years at Oxford and I know many of the places he describes because I have been there myself (which, by the way, is pretty exciting for the bookish nerd that I am, with Lewis being one of my absolute favourites), but also because this diary is from his pre-Christian life. Lewis did not become a Christian until about 1929 (there is debate that it was 1930 because Lewis was bad at recollecting dates, but all in all it doesn't make a huge difference). Some of his passages are full of his thoughts of a spiritual nature, debates with friends, or love of myth and story. His reading of literature was so wide and fast. He read half a book in an afternoon, it seems. How did he read so quickly and so well?

Every once in a while in an entry, I will catch a glimpse of Lewis mentioning joy or a slight feeling of the joy, but then it is gone and he goes back to describing his walk into Oxford and his bike ride here or there to meet someone for tea, and the long walks with his friends. It is interesting to read about what catches his fancy at that stage in his life at Oxford and how easily he dismisses those brief sensations of joy, or as he writes a "whiff of the real joy, but only momentary."

I wonder what he referred to when thinking of the real joy. It is interesting he phrases it that way, especially given his love for myths. What was he thinking about when experiencing the momentary joy? He was an avid reader, and quite a critique of all that he read, including his own work.
Lewis references his own writing frequently, talks about it with friends, and writes about those conversations (including complaints) in his diary. He writes this about a good conversation with a friend about myth:
"We agreed that the great thing was to keep the Myth true and intrude as little invention or conscious allegory as might be."

He was so focused on keeping the myth true and shaping the story around it but failed to see how that same thing was real. He somehow did not see what was right in front of him. Or he chose not to see. Almost exactly what he was studying and focusing on was where his answer was. But perhaps he wasn't asking the questions at that point. I am reading this with a friend, and we keep bringing up interesting points to one another, and it is opening my eyes even more to Lewis, so I am sure more thoughts will flow out onto this page as a result.

How many of us stare at something in the face for so long that we begin to see right through it as if it were glass instead of causing us to stop and ponder? How many people do you do that with? How many situations each day? How about in ourselves? Refusing to see what we need to work on?

Roundabout

I had a dream last night that I was in the UK with someone, who was driving. I know it was the UK because it looked just like when my brother and I were there driving around and you know how sometimes in dreams you just know where you are without a doubt? This was one of those instances. The person who was driving in my dream came up to a roundabout and entered to the left and went around that way. In my mind, I panicked because he was wrong and did not notice that we just went around the roundabout the wrong direction.

So, I told my driver companion that we just went through the roundabout the wrong way. Except we didn't. We were in the UK, remember. My mind was fixated on the American way of driving to the right, and completely got it wrong for the location I was in.

I thought I was right, but I was right in the wrong place.
Maybe life is like that sometimes. I may be right about something but at the wrong time. Does that make any sense? It is like when a good thing is a bad thing unless the timing is right. Perhaps there are times when I may be right about something but is just not right in terms of timing. We always like to go by our own timing, though, instead of God's. If it is not God's timing, it is not right.

This was a dream relaying wisdom upon me. One in which I learned my lesson outside of my dream as I remembered it when I woke up. How odd! And yet interesting too. Reminders to trust in God's direction and timing, even while I sleep.

Spring Reading List

I haven't posted a book list lately. I assure you it is not because I'm not reading! Though, my life has been crazy-busy (pardon the lackadaisical verbiage) and I haven't been able to devote as much time to reading as I desire. But the books I am reading are really good, and I thought it was about time to share them. Here we go! I will have more in-depth musings on them at a later time, if I have not provided some thoughts on them already.

Doctor's Eyes Only, Tom Martin, CFP
The regional director of the company I now work for wrote this book, along with some other contributors from my company. It is like reading a personal finance book geared toward physicians (who we specialize in serving). And yet this book is different from any finance book because it draws from Biblical principles about money and wealth, opening with the story of Solomon. I am amazed by that, but then again, not so surprised since that is what I have encountered with my company. The advice in this book is practical for anyone to read for the principles of personal finance, even for those of us who don't have the salary of doctors. I am enjoying it.

All My Road Before Me, The Diary of C.S. Lewis 1922-1927
I don't know why I never read C.S. Lewis' diary before now. These entries are his early years at Oxford when he was still studying, before he became a Christian, and yet his journal has so many hints of his catching glimpses of what he refers to as the real joy. It is so intriguing. Not to mention all his descriptions of places he goes to and from in Oxford. I have been to many of those places and can picture exactly where he is talking about. The best part is I am reading this book with a reading-buddy overseas, and we compare notes about Lewis and we share little interesting anecdotes as we read through passages.

Dead Souls, Nikolai Gogol
A Russian author born in 1809, this book has opened my eyes to the Russian authors and I think I will be adding more Russians to my reading list. I was surprised by the wit and the good story telling that keeps me on the edge, guessing what is going to happen in the next conundrum the main character encounters. I already mused a little about this book HERE.

At the Back of the North Wind, George MacDonald
MacDonald is a master at making a fairy tale story relate to real life with the most profound lessons learned through the eyes and story of a young adult or child. I feel like I understand God's character better through MacDonald's writings. I mused about this book HERE.

W.B. Yeats Poetry
I think I go through moods in my poetry reading. Sometimes I get stuck on reading one person, and I forget about checking out others I may not have read. I always knew about Yeats, but never read his poems. Suddenly, I was drawn to him and I bought this book while in Indiana to get to know this Irish poet born in Dublin in 1865 at the height of Victorianism. I am getting lost in his words and slowly learning his poetry. 

Morning Hours

There is something about the morning hours that gives me inspiration.
Is it the gentle, glowing light of a new day?
The calmness in the atmosphere?
A hint of freshness in the air?

The hours are quiet. Still. Soothing to wake up to.
The scent of coffee brewing.

The morning is the perfect situation to be still and know that God is God. To let the newness of the day melt into me, knowing that God loves me and that is all I need.

In these moments I can feel my mind clearing of all the clutter that prevents me from truly focusing and opening up to God. Once the rest of the day settles in the distractions grow like weeds and are difficult to stop.

The warmth of these current mornings puts me in a Summer mood. Eager to stay inside to avoid the intensity of the air outside, and yet, a warm breeze is sometimes good for the soul, and I venture outdoors where the sounds and sights reach me. The warmth envelopes me instantly and for a few moments I breathe deep of it all as I watch the puffy clouds move across the expanse of multi-layered sky.

Welcome Summer

I am reluctantly welcoming Summer....yes, that's right. Summer. Already. And I am not really welcoming it, as much as I am trying to tolerate it in a fun way. That is how it has felt for the past week. In Florida, it happens without warning. The warm-up comes in a flash and doesn't let go. Before you know it, you are drowning in humidity. So I felt the only way to resist resisting the warmth is to embrace a cold, old-fashioned cherry soda. All I want in the Summer is icy cold drinks of all sorts. Whether it be iced coffee, flavoured tea, old-fashioned soda, or lemonade (and of course water, lots of water).

A week or so ago I saw a recipe for rosemary lemonade. When I move to my new apartment in a few weeks, remind me to make some of this to welcome visitors, using my friend Emily's fresh springs of rosemary that I will be regularly stealing from her porch of herbs (shhh, just don't tell her). I have a thing for rosemary. And lavender. And basil. She's going to find me over there stealing herbs frequently.

Rosemary Lemonade
5-6 lemons
3-4 sprigs of rosemary
1 cup sugar
6 cups water

In a pot, combine 1 1/2 cups of water and 1 cup sugar. Cook over medium heat and stir until dissolved. Add the rosemary. Let it cool and discard rosemary.
Squeeze 1 cup of lemon juice. Add everything to a pitcher and stir.

Lovely Lemonade!