Free to Go

Like a flood these rush of emotions come
Side-swiping me and leaving me numb

Left alone I get caught in the cleft

I succumb to sadness about what's left

In a sea, darkened, murky to peruse

I lose sight of what skills to use

All I can see is the sunrise glow

As the current glides away, letting me go

And I am adrift, in new thoughts deep

Wondering why I don't rest in sleep

It's a cycle we know, dressed in fear

Keeping us from seeing our faith clear

But as piercing as the morn can be

Only the Son of God can set us free

Live Unanswered Questions

The Bridge of Sighs, Oxford

Christ offered a bridge over the gap I felt, sitting there on the floor, between my self and my own soul. Between my God and me. I wanted to know God and to be known by Him- a relationship so intimate that there was no space between Him and my soul. -Carolyn Weber

I am so full of unanswered questions. Almost every aspect of my life is made up of questions that are waiting to receive an answer.
I finished reading Surprised by Oxford on my day off last Monday. It was a refreshing day, so I had my sliding glass door open all day, allowing in the chilled air from the north. My feet got cold as I read, so I put on my cool crochet slipper boots, and pulled on my Oxford University sweatshirt. Appropriate, I thought, since I am now concluding this book about a girl discovering God in Oxford while studying literature.

sit finis libri, non finis quaerendi

(Latin) Thomas Merton- "Let this be the ending of the book but by no means the end of the searching."

I am so sad to have finished reading this book. 440 pages was not enough. It makes me think of C.S. Lewis when he said, "you can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me". This book is so inspiring to me, in many ways. It's not too shocking that one of my dreams is to study and live in Oxford, and this book is her journey through her first year as a literature grad student, which is what I would most desire to be as well. Her view as a North American parallels my own experiences in England, as she adjusts to the ways of the Brits. The language barrier from English to English is even a challenge. For instance, if someone asked you for a tuppence, you would have no idea what they wanted, right? They want two pence (or two cents). Or the street signs that can be confusing when you first encounter them. Or driving on the other side of the road (it messes with your head when you are first getting used to it).

I have been to many places in Oxford, but she goes to places I dream of going to. Like the reading room in the Radcliffe Camera, or freely walking about in the Duke Humphrey's Library (the oldest part of the Bodleian). You have to be a student to roam these places on your own. Other places, such as inside the colleges themselves, I only dream about exploring. Walks along the rivers and meadows. Chapels and cathedrals. Pubs and coffee shops. Reciting poetry from her classes throughout the writing. Connecting with new friends, some believers, some not. Lunch with professors who bestow such profound Christian wisdom, I have underlined all those passages in the book. Learning about life and what is truly important.

Her story inspires me to trust. To live the unanswered questions. To believe and live in faith because living for Christ is the most important thing. I think I am okay with having so many unanswered questions right now, because at the end of each question my Lord stands reminding me to not be anxious or afraid. Be of good cheer.

Sneezles

They asked if the sneezles
Came after the wheezles,
Or if the first sneezle
Came first.
They said, "If you teazle
A sneezle
Or wheezle,
A measle
May easily grow.
But humour or pleazle
The wheezle
Or sneezle,
The measle
Will certainly go.

-A.A. Milne, Sneezles

I definitely had the sneezles last week. It all began on New Year's Eve, so while everyone was out at a party ready to celebrate the new year, I was cozy on my couch with a blanket, a book, and a cup of hot tea. It only got worse from there, I am afraid. I had to carry my handkerchief in my pocket because my nose and eyes were so runny. And I don't think I have ever sneezed so much in my life.

At work it seemed to be the growing trend. Sneezing. At least every 10 minutes or so someone was saying "bless you" to someone else, and they, in turn, would be the next to sneeze. There is no remedy for the sneeze attacks. My remedy for soothing my throat, though, is hot tea with honey. Ahhhhh, it is true relief.

Another remedy is laughter. I think that is what A.A. Milne was getting at. You feel miserable when you are sick, so smiling and laughing eases the suffering (I am profoundly grateful to anyone who made me laugh while I was fighting the sneezles). Even though, it is just a simple cold and soon enough you are back to normal.

Cooking for One

My new apron Jason brought back from Haiti

I really enjoy cooking, but it is always a challenge because recipes usually make way too much for my huge crowd of one. So, I usually have to cut the recipe in half or tweak the ingredients. So, I tend to not measure everything. I'll just add a bunch of corn, or pour in some broth, or use a whole onion when the recipe calls for half an onion (who uses only half, I mean, really?). It is kind of fun and adventurous making my own version of a recipe I find. And usually, it turns out marvelously. The times it did not turn out marvelously, well, we can just pretend never happened.

Today I tried a new recipe: black bean & corn quinoa. Quinoa is pronounced keen-wa. This tasted absolutely delicious. I wouldn't be writing about it if it didn't!

I started with some olive oil in my new skillet (thanks to Ryan and Sam!) and added my chopped onion and a tablespoon of minced garlic (a garlic press is one of my new favorite things). Let that cook until the onion is brown. Sprinkle some Italian herbs and cumin. Pour in 3/4 (or 1 cup) cup rinsed and drained quinoa, and some salt. Stir for 5 minutes.
Add almost a full can of black beans, a good amount of frozen corn, and a can of vegetable broth. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, cover, and let cook for 20 minutes, or until the quinoa is fluffy.
Drizzle with some fresh squeezed lime juice when serving. Yum.

Is it Friday?

Do you ever wake up feeling so happy because it is Friday, which means the end of the workweek, and you can start your weekend planning in your head? Like sleeping in past 6:30. And isn't it the worst feeling when you wake up thinking it is Friday only come to find out when you turn off your alarm on your cell phone that it is, in fact, a whole day off?

'My cell phone must be wrong', I thought, 'it simply can't be Thursday. It feels too much like Friday.'

Indeed, it was Thursday. And even worse, I would catch myself throughout the day on Thursday thinking that it was Friday, and I had to remind myself that my pre-weekend excitement was too early...

But now it really is Friday and I may commence with my pre-weekend celebratory thoughts.

It made me think about how sometimes we can act like we know it all. We are so sure of ourselves that we are correct. We argue with someone and won't back down. We boast about our knowledge on something. Only come to find out that we are wrong. We talk on and on in what 1 Timothy 6.20 calls "irreverent babble and contradictions of what is falsely called 'knowledge'". Sometimes we need to just learn to listen. To let someone teach us and show us something.

I was wrong about the day. Okay, small example. I wasn't arguing with anyone besides my cell phone (the cell phone won the argument). But I have learned that it is okay to be wrong about things. I will freely admit that I don't know anything, really. Teach me. Show me. Involve me. I love learning.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct, let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. James 3.13

Seeped in Mystery

Filling our minds with clutter of the soul

Restricts ourselves from being whole

Attempting to ignore the falsities and lies

As we stumble through errors of our tries

If this were easy wouldn't we all flee?

From a truth lacking mystery amidst intimacy?

I'd like to embrace that which is seeped in mystery

With tiny reveals of wisdom as my eyes start to see

Forbidden Fruit

A thing of beauty is a joy forever:

Its loveliness increases; it will never

Pass into nothingness

-John Keats, Endymion

I am sitting in the garden reading Paradise Lost, and I just so happen to be at the part where, in this epic poem, it goes into detail about God creating the earth and the plants, animals, and first humans. How appropriate is that? I have the whole garden to myself, too, so I may be the only human...

And I am freezing cold. It is 41 degrees and windy. I love it. I am sitting on a stone chair, which is kind of like sitting on a block of ice, so the parts of me that touch this stone are the coldest.

A noise above me causes me to look up, and it is there that I notice a tall tree near me. I proceeded to see ripe starfruit dancing in the winds! The tree was full of orange-skinned fruits, glowing at me from above. I don't see a serpent trying to tempt me to eat thy forbidden fruit.  But now I am craving some starfruit.

No, actually, a hot drink. I will walk back to the office and make some Lady Grey Tea, with honey.

This day is absolute perfection, to me. I live for these kinds of days. Cold, clear, bright, dry. Vivid colors from earth to sky, and trees boasting starfruit. As I walked here, I kept saying little prayers of thankfulness, that this day is perfection. Thank you God. And now that I have been sitting here on this cold stone chair, I am freezing, so I will need to walk back to warm myself up a little bit, and I will thank God on my walk back, too.

This is what I love. Though, it is also what makes people look at me funny. There must be others out there who feel the way I do....I know of a few....

Puzzled?

Right before Christmas, I bought a little wooden puzzle cube called the Soma Cube. It is made up of 7 pieces and each piece is different. No two are the same, but there are many ways to fit the pieces together to form a cube. The instruction page says there are 240 ways in which to make a cube. Really? That's a lot!

I tested it myself. My first attempt took me about 5-6 minutes. It seems like it would be easy enough, but it is a challenge. I would get all pieces but one, and the last piece wouldn't complete the cube properly, so I would start over. We all love a good mystery, don't we? Well, the cube is mysterious, but now that I got it solved once, I can put the cube together (in different ways) in under a minute. But that first time was uncertain. Would the cube beat me? Would I be able to solve it?

I brought the cube home with me over Christmas to challenge my family. They all took their turn at putting the pieces together. It was so intriguing, to me, to watch how each person worked on solving the puzzle differently, and how it took certain people several days of trying to get it, while it took others a minute or two.

It all made me think about the mysteries of God, and why He chose to make us all so unique, even in the way we solve puzzles! I was reminded that our own puzzles in life are, likewise, handled differently. The mysteries in our lives attract our attention and sometimes it takes us a moment to solve it, while sometimes the mystery remains as such for months or years.

But there are many ways to put the puzzle together to form a complete cube. One way is not better than another, but in the end there is one cube.

In the end only one thing matters- that we live our lives for Christ. That our faith in Christ trumps all the mysteries we ever encounter. There are many paths to get to that point of complete trust, because we all have different ways of putting the puzzle pieces together. We place the piece in the spot we think it will fit best. Maybe it fits perfectly, or maybe we still need some more pieces to fall into place before we can see where that piece should go.

Then he added, "The question mark is a good metaphor for the Christian life. Trusting even when it's hard. Appreciating the mystery and being surprised by the joy." -Carolyn Weber

Gifts that Differ

The passion I have for writing and books is a gift, and it was prominent in me before I even knew how to read. I have always had words dancing around in my head, sometimes all day, forming stanzas in a poem yet to be written, or sentences racing through my mind as I experience something inspirational in the everyday. Before a pen gets to my hand, the words are set on repeat, like a new favorite song that you hum all day without realizing it. At times I can't write fast enough because the ideas and words just overflow. When I don't have the opportunity to write out my thoughts or musings, I feel like a page was ripped out of my journal. Writing is my memory. It contains my prayers. It is my outlet. My creative space.

Writing is a gift, that for many years, I never shared with anyone. I have journals full of stories, poems, and scribbles from middle school and high school that I never showed to anyone because I was embarrassed. Why was I hiding? I didn't think I had talent, and it's scary to share such personal thoughts with people. I didn't think anyone would be interested in it. I didn't see that what I love so much is a gift that is meant to be shared with others. It wasn't until 2007 when I decided to write and self-publish my first book, that I let people read my works. Most people didn't even know that I was so passionate about writing, and it resonated with them. Again, why was I hiding it? It has always been part of me. God made me this way for a purpose. That is, He wants me to share my gift. I am no bestselling author. If one person is encouraged and inspired by my writing, then I am being used properly. God can use to me to whatever capacity He wants. But nothing was possible until I was willing to share with people.

So what have you been hiding that is meant to be shared?
...So we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them... -Romans 12.5-6

Hope is a Strange Invention

A new year! 2012! May this new beginning be hopeful for you, full of ideas, inspiration, joy and God's blessings. Take part in learning and growing. I read this quote the other day from Benjamin Franklin, "Tell me and I forget. Teach me and I remember. Involve me and I learn". Jump start your goals by taking a step. It doesn't have to be big. Have an open mind, and an open heart to love others.

Hope is a strange invention-

A patent of the heart-

In unremitting action

Yet never wearing out-

Of this electric adjunct

Not anything is known

But it's unique momentum

Embellish all we own-

-Emily Dickinson

You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
-Psalm 16.11