Road

Oh, I softly listen

to these flutterings of thoughts

That incipient their way in

and remind me what I ought

to do in moments of trepidation

Where, at a crossroads I stand

And each option is filled with fog

As I reach for a kind hand

to provide the encouragement

of the single step toward

The road of change, all good,

which God prepares me for

Wear Her Heart with Wishes

...she might wear her heart with wishes...

-Charlotte Brontë

An interesting line I read today in Caroline Vernon, a short story by Charlotte Brontë. I think about my own heart and how I certainly wear my heart with wishes about various things. Those things that seem so far off or unreachable, but then I remind myself (or am reminded by my family/friends) that with God, anything is possible. Scrupulous are His plans. That is where my hope sits. At the foot of God and His promises. The joy I experience comes about from the grace given to me, even while I try to navigate through the fog of uncertainty.

God in my Cube

I see, in the workplace, the opportunities to show love. It is such a struggle for me to choose love (which says a lot about the environment there), but when I do, I know it's because I let God use me. The mileau of the office is stressful, tense, and time is against everything we do. We are overworked and under appreciated. Our energy toward our work is depleted and no encouragement is sent our way. If I take a minute to sit at my desk and think outside the cube, none of the work I do really matters in the grand universe. Our manager makes it seem like this work is life, and all the micro-managing is critical. But it is not life, and it is not that critical.
What's critical, to me, is following God's Word in the Bible and showing love as we are called to do, no matter where we are. For Galatians 5.13 says-

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

This is why I need to be in the Bible everyday. My daily life is surrounded by alternate teaching that tries to trap me into thinking that work is more important than my life. Or spending time with family and friends. Or taking vacation. My life has been changed by loss over these last two years. Life is too short to not utilize every moment to bring people closer to love.
So, how can I bring this verse into the workplace? How can I live this verse better than I have, so that God is apparent in the cube with me? It is a challenge indeed.

Light Shining Out of Darkness

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea,
And rides upon the storm

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs,
And works his sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take,
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy, and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err,
And scan his work in vain:
God is his own interpreter,
And he will make it plain.

-William Cowper

God's timing is absolutely perfect. Just when I am going through a down time when I feel like I am falling off the radar...lost in the woods...seemingly alone...God steps in and I am filled.
It is bound to happen every now and then. There comes a time when I ask- is there anybody out there? Well, deep in my heart I know God is out there and He provides encouragement through seemingly random episodes, that really are a catalyst for something good.
This poem reminds me of that.

Long Desires

Long desires tend to grow

And the deeper I am attached,

the harder it is

to let go.

For a wonder alive in my soul

Wants to know what

could & would, should

it finally unroll.

I ask myself, is this it?

Do I seize this moment

grab on to ride, or 

in patience do I sit?

Harboring Dreams

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
-C.S. Lewis

Harboring dreams that some may skew
They may be big, but inside of you

Is the origin of that dream, old or new,
No one else can claim what is honest and true
A strong desire for it illuminates the path
No matter what other people want you to have
Some may hinder, pull, or attempt to fray
But those who care and listen will stay along the way

Jehoshaphat's Faith

On this mild evening, I open my Bible and read the Old Testament story of Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20. I have liked this story for a long time. It is a story about Jehoshaphat's faith in God's promise to take care of the battle, even though the situation looks dire.
A great army is approaching and Jehoshaphat's men tell him a great multitude is coming against them. Jehoshaphat is afraid, but the first thing he does is pray (why aren't we all taking notes of this?). The spirit of God tells them all at an assembly:

Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's...You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf. (v.15-17)

The next day, they do exactly as God said. They went to the location God told them to go, and found the great army dead already. God had re-routed the men of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir so their paths intersected and they all rose against one another, leaving everyone dead. All Jehoshaphat and his people had to do was collect the spoil- goods, clothing, and precious items. The quantity of the spoil was so much that verse 25 tells us it took three days to collect it all.

When you remain faithful and trust in God's promises, He will take care of the details. All you have to do is show up when and where He tells you to. Tonight, I need this reminder. The battle before me is so out of my control, and the more I try to control it, the less grasp I actually have. When I see a faint glimmer of light, it fades before I have the chance to look again. My doubts rise and fall with each tide, and I need to remember that God has it all in His hands. I just need to go when and where He tells me.

A Thinking Soul

I am sitting outside on my porch this morning wearing my crocheted slipper/boots, knit mitts, black jacket, and jeans. It is chilly. It is bliss. My journal, books, and coffee are all I need out here. One book being Girl Meets God, which I was engrossed in reading for hours late last night. An English Literature book on the Romantic Period is the other book. It is a compilation of several writers from the years 1785 to 1830. I am keenly interested in reading William Cowper's work. Right now I am reading The Task, Book IV. Jane Austen liked reading Cowper and since I learned about that fact, I had to see for myself why she was so fond of him. It's very readable, memorable, and beautiful. He personifies non-tangible things and makes interesting comparisons that stir me to read the lines again:

Time, as he passes us, has a dove's wing,
Unsoiled, and swift, and of a silken sound;
But the World's Time is Time in masquerade.
Theirs, should I paint him, has his pinions fledged
With motley plumes, and, where the peacock shows
His azure eyes, is tinctured black and red...
...He charms a world whom Fashion blinds
To his true worth, most pleased when idle most;
Whose only happy are their wasted hours.
-The Task, Book IV

I love to be challenged to think while I read. To be drawn into the nature and humanity and relate to the feelings of the writer. Even as centuries separate us, the tragedies, comedies, episodes, and intricacies of life are of the same mold. Emily Brontë is one of my favorite poets and Cowper is becoming one as well.
On this beautiful fall day with the chilly breeze and tiny birds chirping, the sun slowly warming, I read lines like:

I am conscious and confess,
Fearless, a soul that does not always think.

And yet today, I do think and I am immersed in the deep poetry of the cool, quiet outdoor atmosphere. 

Compliments to the Weather & a Book

Sometimes, as in a great novel, you cannot see until you get to the end that God was leaving clues for you all along. Sometimes you wonder, how did I miss it? Surely any idiot should have been able to see from the second chapter that it was Miss Scarlet in the conservatory with the rope. -Lauren Winner

My coffee was perfect this morning. A satisfying mix of coffee and milk. I have been making my own coffee at home and bringing it to work. The chilled air stayed on my skin as I entered the office and headed up the stairs. Walking in boots and wearing a scarf around my neck is, at last, a pleasure. Pure happiness fills me as I walk outside. The clearing sky and clean air erases all the dullness that was ever-present in this place. I love the chilly breeze sweeping through my hair.
Here, at Hollis Garden, during my lunch break, it is 62 degrees. Perfection. The walk is about a half mile, and I sit here in the shade on a white stone bench. A tall scarecrow is standing on the corner of the grassy square, guarding the cabbage that grows behind him. This is bliss. Quiet. Chilly. Smells like fresh dirt and flowers. I cannot believe more people are not out here enjoying this glorious day.

I spend my lunch break here reading Girl Meets God, by Lauren Winner. This must be my fourth reading of this book. I read it when it first came out, in 2002. The whole book is like her journal, with the main plot being her conversion from being an Orthodox Jew to a Christian. I had never read anything like it before. It was like being in her thoughts as she journaled. It inspired me and is probably the catalyst that seriously got me dreaming about writing a book. Her writing is intelligent, informative, fun & serious, and thought-provoking. Before reading it, I knew almost nothing about Judaism, but after reading it I feel like I am familiar with the traditions and can appreciate what I have learned.

I read about the Christian traditions from her Jewish perspective, in which she presents what I have already known to believe, the Incarnation, and explains the Jewish beliefs that don't agree. Since I have been able to understand it, I have always just known in my heart that Jesus is the incarnate God and that His birth was prophesied in Isaiah and He walked here among us. But to hear it from the mind of someone who was taught that it was not true pacifies any doubts to its truth, for me. It is refreshing to read of someone discovering Jesus who would not normally have any reason to think about Him. It just proves, to me, God's omniscience. Jesus can find a gap in your heart, even if you aren't looking. Even if you are a Jew, living a committed life, as she was. But He can do so much more when you turn to Him.

Autumnal Winds

Sudbury, MA

We little know what fortune the next breath of wind may blow us, what strange visitor the next moment may bring to our door.
-Charlotte Brontë

Rushing in with the wind and the rain is the promise of cooler, refreshing weather. Though the winds may rustle our lives as they make us sneeze and bring about unsettling thoughts, and though the rain may distress us as we have to forgo our evening run and splash through dirty puddles, the end result and reward is the Autumn air that follows.

Breathe deep. It is crisp and clean northern air filling you and changing your gloomy outlook to a bright one full of blue skies, pumpkin pies, and bidding the long summer goodbye.

Foggy vision becomes clear and stepping outside your senses awaken where suddenly this vade-mecum* of creation is set before you to meander and enjoy. It is a whole new mileau for one trapped in the long summer.

*Latin: manual or handbook