Long Desires

Long desires tend to grow

And the deeper I am attached,

the harder it is

to let go.

For a wonder alive in my soul

Wants to know what

could & would, should

it finally unroll.

I ask myself, is this it?

Do I seize this moment

grab on to ride, or 

in patience do I sit?

Harboring Dreams

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.
-C.S. Lewis

Harboring dreams that some may skew
They may be big, but inside of you

Is the origin of that dream, old or new,
No one else can claim what is honest and true
A strong desire for it illuminates the path
No matter what other people want you to have
Some may hinder, pull, or attempt to fray
But those who care and listen will stay along the way

Jehoshaphat's Faith

On this mild evening, I open my Bible and read the Old Testament story of Jehoshaphat in 2 Chronicles 20. I have liked this story for a long time. It is a story about Jehoshaphat's faith in God's promise to take care of the battle, even though the situation looks dire.
A great army is approaching and Jehoshaphat's men tell him a great multitude is coming against them. Jehoshaphat is afraid, but the first thing he does is pray (why aren't we all taking notes of this?). The spirit of God tells them all at an assembly:

Do not be afraid and do not be dismayed at this great horde, for the battle is not yours but God's...You will not need to fight in this battle. Stand firm, hold your position, and see the salvation of the Lord on your behalf. (v.15-17)

The next day, they do exactly as God said. They went to the location God told them to go, and found the great army dead already. God had re-routed the men of Ammon, Moab, and Mount Seir so their paths intersected and they all rose against one another, leaving everyone dead. All Jehoshaphat and his people had to do was collect the spoil- goods, clothing, and precious items. The quantity of the spoil was so much that verse 25 tells us it took three days to collect it all.

When you remain faithful and trust in God's promises, He will take care of the details. All you have to do is show up when and where He tells you to. Tonight, I need this reminder. The battle before me is so out of my control, and the more I try to control it, the less grasp I actually have. When I see a faint glimmer of light, it fades before I have the chance to look again. My doubts rise and fall with each tide, and I need to remember that God has it all in His hands. I just need to go when and where He tells me.

A Thinking Soul

I am sitting outside on my porch this morning wearing my crocheted slipper/boots, knit mitts, black jacket, and jeans. It is chilly. It is bliss. My journal, books, and coffee are all I need out here. One book being Girl Meets God, which I was engrossed in reading for hours late last night. An English Literature book on the Romantic Period is the other book. It is a compilation of several writers from the years 1785 to 1830. I am keenly interested in reading William Cowper's work. Right now I am reading The Task, Book IV. Jane Austen liked reading Cowper and since I learned about that fact, I had to see for myself why she was so fond of him. It's very readable, memorable, and beautiful. He personifies non-tangible things and makes interesting comparisons that stir me to read the lines again:

Time, as he passes us, has a dove's wing,
Unsoiled, and swift, and of a silken sound;
But the World's Time is Time in masquerade.
Theirs, should I paint him, has his pinions fledged
With motley plumes, and, where the peacock shows
His azure eyes, is tinctured black and red...
...He charms a world whom Fashion blinds
To his true worth, most pleased when idle most;
Whose only happy are their wasted hours.
-The Task, Book IV

I love to be challenged to think while I read. To be drawn into the nature and humanity and relate to the feelings of the writer. Even as centuries separate us, the tragedies, comedies, episodes, and intricacies of life are of the same mold. Emily Brontë is one of my favorite poets and Cowper is becoming one as well.
On this beautiful fall day with the chilly breeze and tiny birds chirping, the sun slowly warming, I read lines like:

I am conscious and confess,
Fearless, a soul that does not always think.

And yet today, I do think and I am immersed in the deep poetry of the cool, quiet outdoor atmosphere. 

Compliments to the Weather & a Book

Sometimes, as in a great novel, you cannot see until you get to the end that God was leaving clues for you all along. Sometimes you wonder, how did I miss it? Surely any idiot should have been able to see from the second chapter that it was Miss Scarlet in the conservatory with the rope. -Lauren Winner

My coffee was perfect this morning. A satisfying mix of coffee and milk. I have been making my own coffee at home and bringing it to work. The chilled air stayed on my skin as I entered the office and headed up the stairs. Walking in boots and wearing a scarf around my neck is, at last, a pleasure. Pure happiness fills me as I walk outside. The clearing sky and clean air erases all the dullness that was ever-present in this place. I love the chilly breeze sweeping through my hair.
Here, at Hollis Garden, during my lunch break, it is 62 degrees. Perfection. The walk is about a half mile, and I sit here in the shade on a white stone bench. A tall scarecrow is standing on the corner of the grassy square, guarding the cabbage that grows behind him. This is bliss. Quiet. Chilly. Smells like fresh dirt and flowers. I cannot believe more people are not out here enjoying this glorious day.

I spend my lunch break here reading Girl Meets God, by Lauren Winner. This must be my fourth reading of this book. I read it when it first came out, in 2002. The whole book is like her journal, with the main plot being her conversion from being an Orthodox Jew to a Christian. I had never read anything like it before. It was like being in her thoughts as she journaled. It inspired me and is probably the catalyst that seriously got me dreaming about writing a book. Her writing is intelligent, informative, fun & serious, and thought-provoking. Before reading it, I knew almost nothing about Judaism, but after reading it I feel like I am familiar with the traditions and can appreciate what I have learned.

I read about the Christian traditions from her Jewish perspective, in which she presents what I have already known to believe, the Incarnation, and explains the Jewish beliefs that don't agree. Since I have been able to understand it, I have always just known in my heart that Jesus is the incarnate God and that His birth was prophesied in Isaiah and He walked here among us. But to hear it from the mind of someone who was taught that it was not true pacifies any doubts to its truth, for me. It is refreshing to read of someone discovering Jesus who would not normally have any reason to think about Him. It just proves, to me, God's omniscience. Jesus can find a gap in your heart, even if you aren't looking. Even if you are a Jew, living a committed life, as she was. But He can do so much more when you turn to Him.

Autumnal Winds

Sudbury, MA

We little know what fortune the next breath of wind may blow us, what strange visitor the next moment may bring to our door.
-Charlotte Brontë

Rushing in with the wind and the rain is the promise of cooler, refreshing weather. Though the winds may rustle our lives as they make us sneeze and bring about unsettling thoughts, and though the rain may distress us as we have to forgo our evening run and splash through dirty puddles, the end result and reward is the Autumn air that follows.

Breathe deep. It is crisp and clean northern air filling you and changing your gloomy outlook to a bright one full of blue skies, pumpkin pies, and bidding the long summer goodbye.

Foggy vision becomes clear and stepping outside your senses awaken where suddenly this vade-mecum* of creation is set before you to meander and enjoy. It is a whole new mileau for one trapped in the long summer.

*Latin: manual or handbook

The Violet Hour

Violet sky over the Queen Victoria Memorial at Buckingham Palace, London

At the violet hour, when the 

eyes and back 

turn upward from the desk 

when the human engine waits.

-T.S. Eliot

Do you ever feel thwarted in all the things you try? The human desire for instant gratification takes the top step, but you know you need to shove that desire down the steps and keep patience and faith up there instead.

Faith is our assurance of what is to come, in times of uncertainty and confusion. I am almost certain of all my uncertainty. "The violet hour", as T.S. Eliot writes, is like the period of waiting and lingering. Like violet skies that linger on the darkest of nights, the human soul also has a time of waiting. Yet you don't know what is moving behind the scenes. God is getting the sunrise ready. The preparation for that first glimmer of light to cast the glow on the horizon. Evidence of movement is invisible to us, but it's all slowly developing. Psalm 27.14 tells us to "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Here is the truth: I know God loves me and has my best intentions at heart. The Bible tells of this all over the place. God knows what I need; He knows my desires, and His plans are the best symphonic compilation of those things. All I need to do is listen to the music He is creating for me, and follow that music. Then I won't feel thwarted in all that I want to do. A beautiful thing will happen- my desires for my life will align with God's.

Georgia Treats

Book Lady Bookstore

When I was in Savannah last weekend, we spent an afternoon walking around the historic downtown area. We started at Forsyth Park and walked along Abercorn Street toward Lafayette Square to see the childhood home of Flannery O'Connor. Jen and Jake are always kind enough to let me indulge in my literary treasure hunts. Flannery O'Connor (1925-1964) wrote short stories that were very strange and thought-provoking, but had strong Christian undertones. She is highly acclaimed as a writer, and the house is now a museum you can tour.

Flannery O'Connor's childhood home

We continued our walk by the white Cathedral of St. John the Baptist, with tall spires, and turned onto Liberty Street. We walked in the blustery wind to the Book Lady Bookstore. Jake went for a run while Jen, baby Liliana, and I browsed the books. I love the atmosphere in there. Wide plank wood floors, brick walls, tight spaces, mix of old and gently used books, cozy and stylish chairs scattered around. Liliana was so well-behaved. She likes bookstores, I can tell. I held her for a little bit and she reached out to touch the books. I let her hold my one small paperback purchase. She liked holding onto it. I slowly walked her down the aisles showing her all the books she could read someday. Jen and I think she will be a great reader.

As we walked back toward the park, where the car was parked, we got to the corner of Liberty and Drayton and the scent of a bakery drifted to us. The wind brought the sweet pastry and bread scent floating down the block to our noses, and we could not resist. We followed our noses into the bakery and purchased pecan tarts and a Mexican wedding cookie. Back on the street, we bit into our sweet treats as we walked, brushing the crumbs from our shirts. The pecan tart was heavenly. Such a Georgia treat. All of it.

Escaping Dependency

I consider myself to be an independent girl. I do not rely on anyone for food, shelter, clothing. I take care of regular life stuff myself. I travel places by myself. I don't need to ask anyone's permission before I buy new pillows for my sofa. I cook for one, usually. But take away my internet connection for a few days, and I quickly realize how dependent I am on the invisible realm of answers that is the internet.

My laptop could have been put to better use as a doorstop these last few days, because I couldn't access the web for the weather report, search several different websites for something, download music, browse through pinterest.com, watch the latest episode of The Amazing Race, or write on my blog!

Of course, I do have a smartphone, so I could reply to emails as long as it didn't require a long, thoughtful response. And even that is a little crazy. The fact that I have 2, no make that 3, devices that connect to the internet (mobile phone, laptop, iPod). We are so over-connected to the intergalactic space of the internet that when some equipment fails and we lose connection, we go crazy. Like with the recent Blackberry fiasco. (I loved seeing the funny videos of people using their Blackberry as a cream cheese spreader since it was useless at that point) We are lost and frustrated when we cannot email, text, or check Facebook. How silly is that?

All of this causes me to dust off some cobwebs in the far recesses of my mind to recall what we did to communicate in the 1980s and 1990s (when I was growing up). Brace yourself: we had to pick up a telephone that had a cord and dial a phone number. Or, we had to pull out a crisp sheet of paper and hand-write a letter, which, in turn, had to be mailed with a stamp and travel to someone's mailbox, which took days to get to its destination! Can you imagine?

We move at such a fast pace these days, and our technology is meant to keep up with us, and yet sometimes I wish we could escape it all and go back to the way things were. Life was simpler when we didn't depend on our mobile phones and latest gadgets. We relied on paper maps for directions, which never lost GPS signal, and looked up information in the dictionary, encyclopedia, or in other books at the library.
Soon, I am inclined to thing the roles will be reversed. That we will be struggling to keep up with the technology. Anyone seen the Matrix?

Chalk Board Wisdom

This is my homemade chalkboard. I bought it several years ago, and my younger brother Tyler covered it with the chalk board spray paint so I could write on it. It's hanging in my entryway and I like to change the quotes every so often. Aside from my childish sketches and kind of messy handwriting (it's hard to write with a little piece of chalk!) it is a reminder as I leave my home and come back inside of some wise words (not written by me) that are advantageous to keep on one's mind. When we surround ourselves with thought provoking words we are more apt to live a thoughtful day...

Forsyth Thoughts

Mystery is a great embarrassment to the modern mind. -Flannery O'Connor

I love visiting public places, like parks, because you never can guess at what visual spectacles await your visit. In downtown Savannah, Forsyth Park is the largest park, with a large, ornate fountain spitting streams of water in all directions. It's on all the Savannah post cards. We walk by this fountain and notice where a wedding is set-up and about to take place off to one side. We bring a picnic lunch with us and we walk away from the fountain, passing some wedding guests dressed in suits.

As we park ourselves on a low ledge to munch on our sandwiches, we scope out a big, black man who looks like a former football player, wearing a NC jersey but also holding onto the leashes of two very prissy looking Yorkies. Certainly an interesting contradiction before us. We saw a group of trendy SCAD Art students taking photos of each other by a tree. Nearby, some little children were playing with a ball that looked like a watermelon. A very large black man rode by us on his bike, which was creaking either from age or his weight.   We passed by two Jewish men sitting on a bench in conversation. An old man in workout clothes was using a bench to stretch his calves.

Whenever I am in an atmosphere to observe people, I am reminded how diverse and unique we all are, and how that is a beautiful thing. We may not understand the other people, and that's ok. God meant for us all to be different for a reason.

God's creativity.
Surely we could not have ever dreamed of such diversity among all people. Hanging out at a park, for me, is more evidence of God's fingerprints on our everyday.

Morning

Will joy come in the morning

When the burning of the sun

Comes edging over the horizon

As a new day just begun?

When my dream is interrupted

By the opening of my eyes

Will the hope come rushing in

With my initial move to rise?

As I focus on some breakfast

Will I thoughtfully pursue

A prayer of thankfulness for today

And for simply knowing You?

Faith

A black cloud intrudes in the blue space

A dark mood covers light in this place

Dramatic contrast plays out in the sky

The tumultuous air of how, and why

Big question marks fall from one's self

Only quantitative results fit on a shelf

Faith and hope cannot be calculated

Discarding them leaves you frustrated

And yet holding onto them dear

Is how you know God is near

Photo courtesy of a FB friend

More, Not Less

I will be heading to Savannah this weekend to spend time with my good friend Jen, and I took  this photo in a little bookstore downtown, kind of out of the main busy-ness of the little shops and restaurants. We stumbled upon this bookstore a few years ago when I was visiting. I wandered around the store for awhile while Jen and her husband Jake found a book that interested them, and they sat on the dark red antique sofa relaxing. Through a doorway, this scene emerged. I loved how this staircase was being used and it reminded me of my own philosophy that there is never a reason to stop learning, reading, growing....

When it comes to books and learning, I am a huge advocate for "more, not less".  There is no end to the knowledge we can gain. It's astonishing to me- how God created so much depth and intricacy to the world we live in, that we will slowly continue to acquire knowledge about it, but never fully understand. It's just a tiny taste of God's greatness. Scientific discoveries that are yet to be made. New plants to be discovered. More planets and stars to see from our more powerful telescopes. We should never be bored with all that is out there, waiting to be read about by you. Or waiting to be discovered by you.

It's like being out at sea in a tiny boat. All you know is in that boat, but all the wisdom, knowledge, and information extend above, below, and surrounding your boat. Oh, the depth, the width, and the height of God's wisdom. How amazing is our God? Indeed, He is great. 

Bigger Barns

In order to be more effective in our use of what we have we accumulate more, extend our influence. We become very busy doing good, because when we are busy we don't have time for building the much more demanding and difficult personal relationships of love. -Tell It Slant, Eugene Peterson

Keeping to a theme of being satisfied with what God provides, my bookmark was left in this topic and as I read tonight, I thought how fitting it is. An important aspect we struggle with in this day (and, truthfully, since Cain and Abel). Today, though, we have ads and a culture that fosters coveting your neighbors and gaining wealth at any cost. Hoarding for ourselves a safety net, which turns into desires for a bigger house and a higher paying job. Our priorities are shifted to the self, rather than outward toward others. No wonder the statistic I've always heard about marriage is that 50% end in divorce.

As Eugene Peterson writes, "Just as idolatry results in a pollution of our love for God, so covetousness results in a pollution of our love for one another." As wealth increases, the greed creeps in and becomes the focus, instead of seeking all that is good and giving your love to your husband/wife/family/friends. Then, nothing is left to that relationship if you strip away all the wealth. The love dried up because it was never nourished.

Such is the warning Jesus gives in the parable of the barn builder. Read Luke 12.13-21. Jesus tells a story of a farmer whose harvest is abundant, so much so that it doesn't all fit into his barn. So, he decides the best solution is to build a bigger barn that can store everything for himself so he can relax and be at ease.
Then God comes along and says "Fool. Tonight you die. And your barnful of goods- who gets it?"

It really hits home when you put yourself into the story. And that is the point of the parables. That's why Jesus used them. We all tend to be barn builders at times, and we think we are right in doing so because we have worked hard and earned it, so we should be able to do what we want, right? Wrong. God comes along and, in essence, asks- where are you storing your treasures? (In heaven or on earth?)
Jesus says, "That's what happens when you fill your barn with Self and not with God."

Sampling of Fall

This morning was beautiful. Our first sampling of Fall. The humidity disappeared, the air was 59 degrees, and it felt glorious. I even donned a scarf to church this morning. I was wearing a short dress with short sleeves, but that is beside the point.

The sky has been perfectly clear all day, and as the sun sets now, it is still clear. It is like a huge sheet of blue-hued paper. Perfect, with no wrinkles or blemishes. If only each day could be like this....no retracting to the heat and humidity. Yet, I know better than to wish for something that won't happen. And I wouldn't appreciate it as much if it were the norm.

But do I know better? Don't we all find ourselves wishing for that which we don't have? Don't get me wrong, we should dream big, but we should be cautious not to think of ourselves as deserving of certain things. Why is it we think we deserve it? Why do we struggle to be content with the gifts God has given us, and continues to give us? Like this very moment....