I Need.....

We do not become less needy, less dependent when we pray; we become more needy, more dependent- which is to say, more human. When we pray we dive ever more deeply into the very human condition from which sin alienates us and Christ saves us.

-Eugene Peterson

It is by becoming more aware of our needs that we are more dependent on God. We tend to pull a shade over our eyes when we look at ourselves sometimes, leaving ourselves always in the right where we can't see the needs that are glaring at us.

It's hard to ask for what we need when we think we are doing just fine on our own.
But when you open yourself up in prayer, it is amazing what you discover- how much you need and how much of that is totally out of your control anyway. And yet, however much that might be, it is a burden God wants to take from your shoulders, so hand it over. Truly.
And don't think it is too much for God. We are the limited creatures; God has no limits and doesn't need us to hand over only bits and pieces. Take it all, God, including all those worries, fears, and anxious thoughts that tag along with those burdens.

I find that as I discover how much I need, my prayers shift focus toward more spiritual and thoughtful needs and away from the material. My sins will be there each time, to be sure. As a faulty human I will never be without needs. But when I really let my burdens go, I know they go into the hands of God. And that is exactly where I want my needs to be.

Nobody holds you like the hand of God. -Jeremy Casella

A Borrowed Journal

The thought came over me: am I to spend all the best part of my life in this wretched bondage, forcibly suppressing my rage at the idleness, the apathy, and the hyperbolical & most asinine stupidity of those fat-headed oafs, and on compulsion assuming an air of kindness, patience & assiduity? Must I from day to day sit chained to this chair, prisoned with in these four bare walls, while these glorious summer suns are burning in heaven & the year is revolving in its richest glow & declaring at the close of every summer day that the time I am losing will never come again?

-Charlotte Brontë, 1836

I borrowed Charlotte's journal because her written words perfectly articulate how I feel. It's like we are sisters from different centuries. How reassuring is it to read that I am not crazy. Or, maybe we both are crazy....either way, it is interesting how in 1836 she writes these thoughts that I am plugging into my days today. I couldn't have written this better....

In another journal entry, Charlotte used a word:
Scriblomania- compulsiveness to write, just can't help but write

I don't know if a word like this can describe a person, but I think this one might just describe me. Scriblomania is me. If I don't get some kind of writing in each day, I feel like my day hasn't been lived properly. I was sure nobody understood this. Until I read this in Charlotte's journal. She was like me in many ways. Her life was busy with obligations & work, and when she didn't have time to sit and fill up some blank pages in her journal, she was in agony. Oh, we understand one another, from different times.
So what is it that you are passionate about that a day is not complete without it?

Slanted

If plainly I could see

Where God is leading me

Would I doubt the way?

And in my weakness, stray?

His plans are always best

Why do we rush our request

Expecting it to be granted

When our methods are so slanted

Perhaps it is meant to be

To live without that responsibility

To know, know it all

Would leave me privy to a fall

Grizzly Giant-2,700 year old Redwood Tree, Yosemite, CA

Matters of Contentedness

...for I have learned to be satisfied with what I have. I know what it is to be in need and what it is to have more than enough. I have learned this secret, so that anywhere, at any time, I am content, whether I am full or hungry, whether I have too much or too little. I have the strength to face all conditions by the power that Christ gives me.

-Philippians 4.11-13

In Paul's letter to the Philippians, he writes a few lines about how he has learned to be content in whatever circumstance. Whether he is in abundance, wanting, has too much, or not enough, he knows how to be content, always. That seems like an ideal thought, and good in theory. Right? But how about applying it to your own life now?
It starts to come across as absurd, doesn't it? How can you be content if you can't make the next house payment? Or if you can't find a job? Or if your life has been turned upside down with loss?

I remember this guy in college. He was in one of my classes and was an extreme perfectionist. Now, I am a little bit of a perfectionist. I couldn't turn anything in without re-reading, proofing, and spell-checking (I was amazed how many students didn't proof-read their papers!). But then I let it go and just turned it in. But this guy was never content with his work. Always last to finish tests. Always hesitant to hand in the big essay. Never satisfied that the hours of work was quite good enough. For fear of failure.
Paul is telling us that even in failure, we should be content. Not because we failed, but because you will have the strength to face any condition which may befall you, as Christ gives you that strength.
You can be content in the dark times because with Christ, you know anything is possible and the good could come in the next moment.

Paul is writing in an encouraging tone to be satisfied with what we have. This does not mean, however, that we should be complacent. It doesn't mean that if you lose your job you have permission to sit idly by, doing nothing and saying you are content.

In your dream-chasing, follow-your-heart pathway there could be bumps, set-backs, sadness, disappointment, and failure. But there could also be lots of joy, beautiful moments, cherished times, incredible adventures, and pleasant surprises. 
Paul is saying that in all these situations, be content. Be content in the time that is given to you. You have the choice with what you do in that time. Trust that God will give you the strength you need in both good and tough unforeseen scenarios.

Almost Two Years

A man on the street looks like him

I glance over again, reminded

Almost two years but it could be

Yesterday; the loss to me

Has atrophied my heart

Knowing all this is part

Of life we share here in time

Soaking in the moments sublime

The best man doesn't seek wealth and fame

But love and honor in Christ's name

Daughter of a man who lived this way

Just one small thought to begin my day

Transports me to another

That this life leads to the other

Where tears will be no more

Interferences

I am not a forgetful or easily distracted person, but I forgot to rinse the conditioner out of my hair last night. I had to get back into the shower. What's going on here?

I think C.S. Lewis has the answer:

It's the practical and prudential cares of this world and even the smallest and most prosaic of those cares, that are the great distraction. The gnat-like cloud of petty anxieties and decisions about the conduct of the next hour have interfered with my prayers more often than any passion or appetite whatever. (The Four Loves)

Cares of the world distract me.
I am in the shower thinking about how I need to pay that bill, need to make a grocery list, need to remember to volunteer tomorrow, and to make myself some lunch to take to work. All matters that are so tiny.....clogging up my thoughts.
So I forgot to rinse my hair.
And the same thing happens when I pray. Does that happen to you? I don't silence the idle chatter in my head, so my prayers get sidetracked. I suppose if I were smart I would pray about my distractions. Pray that God help remove them so I can focus on what's important.
As an opposite, I welcome the inspiring thoughts that suddenly awaken my mind, like this morning when I woke up. I had words and sentences practically pouring out of my ears, so I grabbed my journal and stood at my bathroom counter writing instead of getting ready for work. Words can't stay cooped up in my head for long. They need to get out onto paper. Then, hopefully those words end up here.

Feathers In Flight

It's an atmosphere so difficult to express

The day to day emotion of this place

Feeling like the subject of jest

My efforts all seem meaningless

Solemnity rules my thoughts

And I hearken as it's come to this

If I could only be where I ought

To be able to use gifts once sought

Cradled in this cage I can see light

But metal casts shadows on my skin

Dreaming about my feathers in flight

While clinging on to fight the good fight

Ringling Estate

 My hometown has some history to explore. You don't think about those things growing up. I just took my Mom to the Ringling Art Museum, Circus Museum, and the Ca D'Zan (home of John Ringling). It is a beautiful estate that skirts Sarasota Bay and holds history of Sarasota and Venice. The Ringling Bros Barnum & Bailey Circus may ring a bell to some people. I grew up knowing that the circus made Venice their home for many years, just a few miles away from my house. The railroad tracks in town used to be functional; the train used to come through Venice, full of elephants, tigers, and all the circus folk. The community embraced the circus and since they chose a small place like Venice, the city must have given them a warm welcome.

All that is left now is the deserted, rundown circus arena and the surrounding land that you drive by once you cross over the Circus Bridge to Venice Island. But back in the circus days there must have been such excitement when the circus came to town. I was so young that I don't really remember. Visiting the estate of John Ringling brought back memories for my Mom, though. In the 1970s my parents would hang out with Gunther Gebel-Williams, who trained and performed with the tigers. Where would they hang out? Venice Beach of course.

The Ca D'Zan is not a huge house, but it is elegant and detailed in Italian style. It is directly on Sarasota Bay, affording all the best views of the water from any west facing window. The windows themselves are all made up of small rectangular insets, each a different color glass. Stunning. Inside, the rooms are spacious and open, letting the sun stream in. The decor is rich in texture and color. Ceilings are exquisitely painted and adorned with carvings. While everything is so elegant, it still has a cozy feel because it is not huge and overwhelming. The beauty is not in the scale, but in the details and location.

A little bit of hometown adventure is a good way to spend the day.

Prayer

God, You have given us all we need

And we throw it away frivolously

You tell us how to take care

You let us know You're always there

And yet we turn away

And neglect to sit and pray

The selfishness that lies within

Leaves none of us truly genuine

I am distracted so easily

But help me focus on eternity

For the sinless eye is watching me

As I struggle to keep any consistency

In places where I tend to stray

Please guide me to keep away

And when I can bring light

Bring that task into my sight

All Beginnings Are Hopeful

“All beginnings are hopeful.”

This was the opening line spoken by the President of Oxford University to the incoming freshman class in the year 1944. I read that and I started to think about the line and how interesting it is. The phrase stuck with me for weeks and wouldn't let go.

There is something powerful about a beginning. Even in the uncertainty that surrounds it, there is hope deep within that this new thing is going to go the right way. That everything is going to work out exactly as it is meant to. These words were spoken in the darkness of WWII, and yet, here was the reminder to be hopeful at the beginning of Oxford students' academic year.

While we are shrouded in darkness, negativity, increased fears, more danger in the everyday, and less confidence in our own government there is always room for a new beginning. A hopeful beginning.

Something I love about a beginning is how it can start right now. Or right now. Whenever I am having a bad day, I say to myself “I can start this day over right now. Good morning.” It reminds me that my own attitude and mood is due to how I react to situations, and that’s in my control. The situations are not in my control, but I can choose how I react. 

Trail of Thoughts

Addison's Walk, Magdalen College, Oxford. (Along the River Cherwell) 

This was a favorite walk of C.S. Lewis when he was a professor here.

Quiet is my soul, this evening still

Leads a trail of thoughts against my will

Perplexities seek the higher ground

When wondering and questions abound

Where is the answer, was I heard?

Now the question seems absurd

Deep inside I ask and plead

For something true I think I need

Yet how can I see the future clear

When this moment is about to disappear

And life is distorted by moods and days

Emotions voluted in countless ways

At last! The answer rests with Thee

Why ever before did I not see

It's simply part of the decision I bear

Following Jesus, and lifting a prayer

Kindle Folk

I have been thinking about books lately. Well, when am I not thinking about books, really? But in comparison with the electronic books that everyone seems to have now, replacing the real books and visits to the ever-decreasing bookstores. I may rustle some feathers, here. I know everyone loves the electronic Kindle or Nook, but I do not have one (and don't want one), and I have friendly debates with my co-worker about them, because she has one and really likes it.

I bring up points about how you can't share any books with friends because you would have to give them your Kindle. Or how you have to buy all the books you put on there, and any current real books you already own are not on the device. My co-worker recants, saying that she can have several books stored on the Kindle and bring it on a trip with only one slim device to carry. Sure. Good point. But I have so many books that I re-read and those wouldn't be on there. And what about underlining sentences and writing notes? My books are full of my scribbles. You can't write on an electronic book.

She mentions that she doesn't even have to go to the bookstore to purchase a book. She just clicks and button to buy it. That is the worst news of all, to me. I counter that statement with the stern reminder that it's partly because of all the Kindle folk that many small bookstores are closing (ok, and partly the bad economy). A tragedy in my eyes. Part of the joy of reading, for me, is the wandering around bookstores, finding something new and discovering a treasure.

There are some things that are better left untouched. Unimproved. Books are a perfect example.

Streets and Stories

I walk the same downtown city blocks each day and pass some of the same people going to work, just like me. I see the visitors from the north stand in the park and take pictures. I watch the homeless man shuffle slowly by, and park himself on a bench in the shade. Just killing time.

Then I enter the office and I am forced to cage my thoughts that were forming. At lunch I sit outside and hear the man pacing the city blocks shouting his evangelical theories. I stop reading and muse about the people that pass by this small city center each day. The thing I love about hanging out in a downtown area is people-watching. From poor to elite, I will see the range of them as they walk along the street. Some of them seem a little crazy to me, like the guy shouting as he walked, but when I really focus on someone, my mind wonders what their story is. When I think about stories, I think about the person, and soon that leads me to the thought that he is my neighbor.

You know Jesus' story of the good Samaritan well. It's the story Jesus told while walking to Jerusalem with a crowd of 72. Jesus was asked who our neighbor would be, since He had just explained that we are to love our neighbors. Jesus responded with a story about a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. He was robbed and beaten along the road. A priest came by and kept walking. A religious Levite man also avoided him as he approached. Then, a Samaritan man stopped and his heart went out to him. He took care of him and paid for him to rest at an inn. Obviously, the Samaritan who treated the man kindly was the example of how to love our neighbors. (Luke 10.25-37)

When I people-watch, I think of stories in my head. I wonder how the behavior of those I observe reflects who they are and how that shows their character to the world. Sometimes a person I had pinned as rude surprises me by opening the door for several people. I am quickly reminded, by that quiet whisper in my soul, that each of them is my neighbor.

Stories do that: create the imaginative conditions in which we intuit an imperative command to leave the slovenly world of detached and impersonal discussions and become obedient participants in life, obedient followers of Jesus, neighbors to everyone we meet on our way to Jerusalem.

-Eugene Peterson

What We Think We Want

When we want to be something other than the thing God wants us to be, we must be wanting what, in fact, will not make us happy...We are bidden to "put on Christ", to become like God. That is, whether we like it or not, God intends to give us what we need, not what we now think we want.

-C.S. Lewis

Think of three things you would have at the top of your "want" list, if you had one. Admit to yourself, these things have changed within the past year. Due to occurrences and influences in our lives, our "wants" can fluctuate. We are not constant, but instead so shifting and fickle about what we want, it's no wonder when we get what we want so quickly we are quick to grow unhappy because an influence of the world changes what we now want.

Getting caught in this vortex of wanting and getting is something we are all swept away in from time to time. It is part of our imperfect nature. And yet we are called to be like God, who is the only perfect being. He has the wisdom to know the difference between what we need and what we want. God knows what we want. He hears our thoughts and prayers, but he also knows what we need, and our wants do not always line-up with what we need. This thinking goes along with my recent musing about how God may choose not to answer our prayers, for a greater purpose.

I remember praying for some things in college that I am glad God chose not to answer. I don't think I would be the person I am today if my life had taken that direction. I didn't see it then, but in hindsight, of course, I see clearly. I am sure you have a situation in which you could say the same.

So, as C.S. Lewis so articulately states, we better come to grips with the fact that God will give us what we need, but it may not be what we think we want. So look around you and see what you have as a gift from God, and trust with all your soul that what God gives you next will be exactly what you need.

Light within Chaos

St. Helen's Bishopsgate, a 13th century church at the foot of the 21st century Gherkin skyscraper, London

...we should all advance to that perfection of love in which we shall fear no longer...

-C.S. Lewis

Digging for thoughts amidst rubble

Giving thanks in the trouble

The darkness tries to cease

All the good we seek to increase

And all of us who set in motion

Light within chaos and commotion

Are setting a tone for others to see

Our purpose is less about you or me

But loving others, no matter who,

Is the greatest thing we are to do.

The Air Is Dripping

The air is dripping with humidity

and yet it does not rain

My skin clings to a breeze

that doesn't come again

The sky fills with darkness

and possibly relief

A gust of wind arrives and

successfully moves a leaf

But no change to the air

as we sit here

Unable to feel a coolness

in this atmosphere

Feeling Small

Yosemite National Park- never felt so small as when I stood here in awe of God's creation, but what about human creation?

Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this?

In his hand is the life of every living thing and the breath of all mankind.

Job 12.9-10

Instead of work today, I went to a Rays Baseball game as an office outing. On our bus ride to St. Petersburg, we drove through Tampa and as we got close to the airport each way, a plane was landing. The runway is pretty close to I-275, and for some reason, I love watching (and being close to) planes landing.

It brought back a memory from a few years ago. Ryan, Sam, and I were driving to Clearwater for a concert, and took SR 60, which passes very close to the start of the runway of the Tampa Airport. As we approached that part of the road, a huge plane was landing. We rolled down the windows and opened my sunroof. The timing was absolutely perfect that the plane was over our heads by inches (it seemed), and we looked up at the massive belly of the plane and the car was enveloped in the sound from the loud engines as it passed over us and hit the pavement a second later. It was thrilling. It made me feel so small. The remarkable creation of these huge airplanes that take us 40,000 feet into the sky and deliver us safely somewhere else thousands of miles away is something so modern and incredible. I love to travel, and planes are what make it possible for me to visit wonderful places overseas, and I am appreciative of their existence.

How small did I feel looking up at the plane that felt close enough to touch if I had reached my arm through the sunroof? 
Tiny, like a seed.
Yet even the power we humans have created in planes (and other grand things) is like a seed in comparison with God's power and greatness. God is bigger than planes and trains. God is bigger than nations, riots, and wars. And everything we know on this earth is in God's hands.

With God are wisdom and might;

he has counsel and understanding,

If he tears down, none can rebuild;

if he shuts a man in, none can open.

If he withholds the waters, they dry up;

if he sends them out, they overwhelm the land.

With him are strength and sound wisdom;

the deceived and the deceiver are his.

Job 12.13-16

These are the thoughts that came to mind when I watched that huge plane landing over my head. 

God is present everywhere. And His fingerprints are on everything.

Infinite Wisdom

Inside Magdalen College, Oxford, where C.S. Lewis lived and taught

For infinite wisdom does not need telling what is best, and infinite goodness needs no urging to do it.

"The Efficacy of Prayer", C.S. Lewis

My reading of C.S. Lewis' essay on prayer has opened my eyes to the fact that the power of prayer is at God's will. It seems so obvious, but we hardly think about that. Lewis has a marvelous way of stating something bluntly with a spiritual eloquence that gets you thinking deeply about what he is writing. We may pray for something that God chooses not to answer. Lewis reminds us of Jesus' prayers in the garden, three prayers, for God to take the cup away from him. But the cup was not taken away.

It's all for a greater purpose.

We may think we deserve certain things to take place, especially if we pray for it. We expect certain things to happen and get upset when our plans don't work. But we don't deserve anything, really.

I think about my own prayers, and the things I desire to happen, and yet they may not. I don't want to hope too fervently for things that may not happen. That requires me to give it all away to God, and let Him lead the way. Keeping trust that where I am lead is where I should be. But that also means I need to pay attention to the little signs and small doorways in front of me. While I wait for prayers to be answered (or not answered) I don't want to miss what God is trying to show me in the meantime, because though I may pray for certain things to happen, there is no guarantee they will. 

And yet somehow there is a joy in releasing those prayers to God, knowing they are out of my hands gives me comfort. My plans are flawed. God's are perfect.

Open Your Eyes

Open your eyes

Open your heart

It won't be long

Before God will start

Construction in progress

Please clear some space

For God's full love

And everlasting grace

Veer to the right

If God guides you there

Any struggles you encounter

Aren't more than you can bear


Where you belong/ Turn your eyes
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQA9qkPf3oQ&feature=related

Muddy and Tattered

No amount of falls will really undo us if we keep picking ourselves up each time. We shall of course be very muddy and tattered children by the time we reach home. But the bathrooms are all ready, the towels put out, and the clean clothes in the airing cupboard. The only fatal thing is to lose one's temper and give it up. It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us: it is the very sign of His presence.

-Letters of C. S. Lewis

20th January 1942

The inspiration and thought behind "Muddy Musings" came from this quote from one of C.S. Lewis' letters. Of course something written by C.S. Lewis would serve as inspiration; is that even a surprise? I read anything and everything written by C.S. Lewis and I find myself underlining sentences so much that I keep a pen in my hand as I read.

The thought that God is present in our muddiness, our mess-ups, and our failings struck me as something that many meditations and musings could explore. It was almost a new concept of thinking to me. That God's presence is as much in the mud that is caked on our souls, as it is in the good we do and the success we achieve. God doesn't pick and choose what pieces of our lives to be a part of. It is everything pretty and everything ugly and He can use all of it for His glory.

Even our riven pieces. God can use our brokenness to produce wholeness, healing, and goodness if we let Him. And we are bound to fall and become tattered every now and then, but as long as we get back up and don't give up then it doesn't matter how many times we have fallen. The world dictates our worthiness by how much money we make and how successful we are, but with God and His eternal kingdom, it matters not that we make money well, but that we believe well.

So how can life be so beautiful but also so broken? It occurred to me that God's broken people can contribute their talents and passions wherever they may be, for the good that God has in store.

(Another, less important detail from C.S. Lewis' letter that I took notice of was the date. January 20th is my birthday, and though he wrote the letter 42 years before I was born, it still grabbed my attention and offered an interesting detail to note.)

Coffee Coffee Coffee

There is no better scent, perhaps, than coffee brewing. Even people who don't drink coffee will agree. Last weekend, in Venice, I made a pot of coffee for my mom and me, and everyone else made comments about how good it smelled, yet none of them drink coffee. I find that a little bit humorous.

Thinking about coffee brought my mind to San Francisco, when we visited the California Academy of Sciences Museum and Planetarium. Lunch in their cafeteria was a gourmet treat, with healthy, fresh, & local options. I couldn't resist the coffee bar, and ordered a latte. The photo above is the picture I took before enjoying it, while sitting outside with the lovely San Fran temperature in July.

It's too hot outside in Florida to do anything right now, so I enjoy my second cup of coffee inside while dreaming myself to be in San Francisco. That trip in 2009 holds a dear place in my heart for many reasons, and heaven knows why the memories came floating into my mind as I poured my coffee this morning. It's interesting how one thought leads to another and suddenly I am remembering my latte in San Francisco, which leads to many other fond memories...

Brontë

Vain are the thousand creeds

That move men's hearts, unutterably vain,

Worthless as withered weeds

Or idlest froth amid the boundless main

To waken doubt in one

Holding so fast by thy infinity

So surely anchored on

The steadfast rock of Immortality

-Emily Brontë

I have a little book of Emily Brontë's poetry. It is always in my bag, for any time is a good time to read her poems.  Emily Brontë lived from 1818- 1848 and yet her poems speak of matters that I could be writing about here in 2011. I love them because they cover a wide range of topics, emotions, and experiences. The language and versification is so beautiful. The musicality of her stanzas draws me into the words. The mysterious air that breathes through each poem fascinates me.

This excerpt, above, for example, speaks of people and the creeds they live by (it could be power, money, fame) and how worthless it all is in the end. They provoke doubts into the lives of those who live by God's Word, but the poet recognizes nothing is eternal except that which exists with God. The 'things' we make to be so important in life are worthless like weeds.

Emily Brontë has quickly become one of my favorite poets. I think because I feel that her poems could be coming from my own feelings sometimes. Of the poets I enjoy, I can relate to her words the most. I like her descriptions, like this of a fallen tree during a storm:

That Elm tree by the haunted well

Greets no returning summer skies

Down with a rush the giant fell

And stretched athwart the path it lies

( from "How Loud the Storm Sounds")

The creativity behind each line inspires me to work on my poetry skills, which are meager in comparison. It urges me to practice practice practice.

My People

I sat in silent musing on a blustery summer evening recently with thoughts of people in my head. Not just any people, but those in my life who I am overjoyed to say hello to and saddened to see go, including family and friends. People who listen to my thoughts and stories, and share pieces of their life with me. When I am with these people, I loose track of time and wish there was more hours in the day to spend with them. People who know my passions, my struggles, my heart. It is hard for me to let people into the depths of my soul, but these people I am thinking of are so close to my heart.

With thoughts drifting to people, I just ponder about how amazing each person is, in their own way, and how blessed I am to know them. Who am I to deserve their attention, time, and affection?

I don't deserve any of it. Yet I have it, and more. It's all a beautiful gift from God. I know God allows people in our lives for a reason. As I think about these people, I know they are supposed to be a part of my story. They get me thinking, they challenge me, they share stories with me, they inspire me and encourage me, they make me want to be a better person, and they touch my heart in their own unique way. I am so deeply thankful for that.

I don't want to go through life and miss the chance to appreciate the people who make my dark days brighter. I don't want to overlook this wonderful gift God has given me.

I am interested in discerning the voice of God in the conversations that we engage in when we are not intentionally thinking "God". -Eugene Peterson

Inspire Me

Malaprop's Bookstore/Cafe- Asheville, NC

Various objects, scenes, or scents inspire me to write. The scent of coffee and books makes me want to curl up in a wing back chair and write all afternoon while sipping coffee.

Sitting outside has so many avenues of inspiration. Nature. People. Weather. Sounds and scents of the outdoors. It's always changing. Never still.

Objects like a coffee mug, a book, a flower, an old piece of furniture like a piano all bring ideas to my mind. I start placing these objects in a story or I wonder about the history of the piano. Or where that coffee mug is...perhaps on a table at a bistro...in Paris...Oui.

That's why I am drawn to coffee shops and bookstores. They contain many things that inspire me. They get my brain engaged, but I then have to back it up with new experiences, new people, new challenges, that forces me to shape new thoughts around the existing ideas concretely situated in my mind. The mold is always shifting; a flexible nature allows newness to meld in. Creating a unique, palpable musing.

And then the next idea comes....

Tell Me

Tell me if the setting sun

Has rays to share with me

The glow is waxing brilliance

And showing consistency

Tell me that the gentle breeze

Skimming by from tree to tree

Whispers tales of travels far

Suggesting a locale for me

Perspective and Trust

I am still a bit unsure if my ideas and dreams could really happen. They seem so far-fetched sometimes. So out of my reach. I feel like I lack so much knowledge, experience, and connections. But then I see some of my close friends who are pursuing their dreams and I know they are going to make it happen. So, how do I feel so confident of their success but not my own?
Why do any of us waver in our faith?

I get annoyed watching TV, especially those shows that emphasize believing in yourself and trusting only in yourself and your own interpretations of morals. I know it's meant to encourage people, but it seems skewed to me.

I am a faulty human.
I want to believe and trust in God, not myself.

My inclinations are too full of pride, judgement, self-pity, jealously, &c. Not things I want to trust in. But I would rather trust in God who is above all things. Who is the great conductor of all life. Who knows every long strand of red hair on my head. Who created the mountains I enjoyed hiking on a short time ago. Who knows the inner-workings of my heart.

That's what I want to trust in.

So I cancelled my cable awhile ago. Not because I get annoyed at those TV shows, well, not the only reason, but also because I want to spend my time appreciating the joys of life, the open sky, the sound of birds outside, a long walk, the steam rising from my cup of coffee as I sit down to read my new book. Almost all the shows on TV are so dreadful anyway.

With more time to look inwardly at myself I realize attitudes and worries that need to go away so I can truly enjoy each moment of my day. I find that things fall into place perfectly when I trust. Wholly and completely.
With more time to look outwardly at the world I see all that I want to be apart of and all that I want to stay away from.

My perspective shifts upward. Soli Deo gloria.